The Hap-sauce

   The Great Friend Gathering of 2011 was a great success. I feel....fulfilled today. I am amazed at the wisdom everyone shared with me and how they help to probe my thinking, making me consider different viewpoints and future goals. I'm lucky, I really am. 

Morning with Ellenbean.
Day spent with nuclear family, more inappropriate jokes, stressful grocery shopping.
Oh the pain of a hurting hip/uterus.
Episodes of Pysch/Improv-a-ganza and the perfect turkey sandwich.
Reunion with Obineche.
Christopher Paul.
Horrible waitress, but jamalaming tunes (in the beginning).
Ending the day talking to Rachel.
Feel ready. Feel full of love.

I turned my body's functions/I remembered

   I'm really going through one of those phases where I feel I'm losing my mind. Too much stuff happening in my head. I feel overwhelmed and can't sleep. I keep finding things I want to scribble in my journal cus I think they sound smart or that they resound with me in the moment. I want to show off. Last night I woke up before 4AM with intense daydream type things happening in my head and couldn't fall back asleep. And I keep waking up and keeping my eyes closed hoping it's not too early and am still disappointed when I find it's noon or just past ten or whatever. I narrowed down who I would go to for advice but I can pretty much guess what everyone is going to tell me and I will probably go against it anyway because I'm stupid. I think I know what I'm doing but I lie to myself and say that I don't. I flip flop quite passionately. I wasn't ready. Routine right now feels constricting. I want out--new scenery, for a short time. I really need to cry. Three nights ago, Obi danced for me and made me laugh til I cried, which I have to say is the best way to get it out if you need to get it out.
   I guess we turned off the tv long enough to make it to Marshall's and bought three mugs. Shopping for certain items is really like therapy sometimes. Holding them in our hands, imagining it's cold enough outside to have a comforting cup of tea. God, I want to live in the world of Miranda, where basically if there's down time, cup of tea. If you're a bit chilled, cup of tea. If you want something to hold in your hands for comfort, cup of tea. It is the ultimate symbol of calm, even if it's not poncy herbal shit and is just Sainsbury's black tea with real sugar and a dash of milk. (I told someone watching Miranda is like curling up with a blanket on a chilly day, holding a cup of tea of course, as Stevie frequently is sipping a rather lovely cup.) I swear, between Mum and I, we could cycle through mug moods every year or so.
   I started one of the essays for a writing contest this afternoon. I finally had a tiny idea so I just did word vomit on the page to start and get something down. The only drawback was that the idea I had was kind of painful to write on and I had that lump in my throat that announced my need to cry and it was too bothersome to deal with so I had to quit writing and start watching videos that would instead make me feel better. Cue watching like fifteen minutes of David Mitchell's freak outs on various quiz shows. Ha.
   Ok, E, you got this, really. You baked muffins this morning, have grilled twice this week (rather amazing things! though I lost lots of chicken to the grill and shrimp to the floor :P). Sorry, I can't keep pep talking myself in blog form necessarily...it gets a bit cheesy. Ok, a good cry, someone else's love story, and a grand reunion are all in the immediate future. Things will look up and clear up and I will continue on because I am strong. I told myself that earlier without feeling cheesy. I have come a long way.

Time (of my life????)

Time for the Great Friend Gathering of 2011 (the first one of all time).



Time to do for ME. Truly for me.

Spine-cracking good timez???

   I quit my job officially. Turned my stuff in today, rather less painful than I thought it'd be, as I already talked to my manager. He said people normally just stop showing up and that I was the first person who actually called to talk to him personally, which he really appreciated. I feel like he should be running his own stuff; what a good guy. Anyway, that (week) chapter of my life is now closed and I am back to being somewhat blissfully broke. Writing competitions now. Prove my worth. I made deals with myself, pleading, in the car on Saturday that I would do anything, any competition, writing every day, etc. in order to not do it. What a wuss I can be, but it's ok. (I can be strong, too.) Lot of reading each day, am almost done with Shadowfever. Am almost ready to stand up for myself. Been scribbling odd notes in my journal in fits of craziness. Think I'm a bit odd because I find permanent markers powerful. Y'all with me? Anywho. I was talking to Michelle yesterday I realized how much she inspired me to cook while we were in England together. I was putting more recipes in my binder this afternoon and kind of thought back over what I've made and the pride I feel at just get better at timing, etc. while I cook. I made homemade broccoli soup, pesto, various chicken dishes. Feels good.
   On Friday night I called my cousin because of a disturbing facebook status about another relative in the hospital and found out it was my uncle with MRSA, which has been in his system for two months and subsequently is affecting his heart valve. And every other little thing has gone wrong apparently on that family vacation, which makes me really feel for my aunt, who has had a lot to deal with the past few years. Problems with the RV, etc. clouding life up. I spoke to Kyle for a few minutes after Aunt Viv, the former saying how they put the sleeping bag on the roof of the RV to let the sun bake off any infection. He painted a humorous picture of them getting the bags down again with their axe, etc. and I told him that someday we'll have to write a book chronicling the mishaps and crazy things that happen in our family. Sigh. I wonder what this means for epic American bbq. Man, I just hope we're able to all be together as a family because over the past year especially I've realized how much family means to me and though we're all crazy and weird and annoying at times, you can't beat that time together. Fulfilling the prophecy that night for the "new tradition" Christmas dinner; making dirty jokes; playing Catch phrase, the writing game (Omi reading, "Damn, shawty!"), A to Z, UNICORNS; learning that no one I have ever met in my life can shop like Aunt Viv; Cameron's crazy quotes; etc. Sorry, drifted down memory lane there...
   Met up with Patty again yesterday with Hank and Elena in tow. Hadn't seen Hank in probably a year and he's gotten so big. It's weird that I've known him since he was 3 and I think he's pushing 8 now. I wasn't really "Wissa" anymore. That was a nice, if muggy, catch up, and then I did major grocery shopping with Mum. Am really preparing myself for living on my own because am becoming coupon and sale goddess of the aisles. So much mac and cheese, dear god. Ha. Ripped up another rotisserie chicken for quesadillas. Disturbing to see a spine.

4/6 days til Obineche. ~2 weeks til Ann Arbor??? 6-7 til I move back...am content.

"And I thought, really, what is the point of being alive?"

   Miranda has saved my day. Never mind that I'm watching it sort of out of order. Or that I cut up my legs today and realized how badly indeed I skinned my leg last weekend.
   It's so bloody hot outside. People almost bought from me today. Almost.
   I made a brilliant dinner tonight and didn't panic about timing. And it was DELICIOUS. 
   But really, the most important question is: What is the point of reading another 500 pages that don't have Jerricho Barrons on them?

I marinate chicken at 10:30 at night

   I did that on Sunday night. And then I had a job interview and got a job on Monday. And then I worried about the effect it would have on my "routine" (i.e. if, when the library notifies me, I would have enough time to get there to pick up Shadowfever and read it in one [or two] long, luxurious sittings. Sigh.
   The heat wave here in the midwest is killing me (softly with his song). Heat index of up to 109 today (that's about 42C for those abroad). Yeah, so I started work today out in that heat. Miscommunication meant I missed the team, basically was briefed by the hardcore manager (I wanted the lax college ones but oh well, this guy takes care), and then was told to just go out and practice in my neighborhood. I did back into Marshal's area and it took me like 50 min and by the end...the sweat...it was horrible. Went home to the AC and just plopped on the couch for three hours until Ben got here. Dreaded going out again cus my manager called and asked how it was and I knew I couldn't just give up, so I went out again for another 45 min and just drenched and made no sales and came home. Somehow I scraped myself together to get to zumba. I basically didn't stop drinking water cus I didn't want to have a heat stroke/exhaustion. I made it through zumba with more sweat and the AC in the car lasted about two minutes and then it was like a sauna and I powered home to take one cold ass shower. Youtubes videos and Ben stealing my computer since.
   Yesterday was all about Harry Potter. Watched part 1 in the afternoon around doing laundry and other chores and then went to see it with Devin, who sobbed softly through the latter half as I nudged tissues at her and tried not to laugh. I also brought like a third of a bag of fruit loops and ate the sugary dust at the bottom like some people take drugs--lick finger and stick into dust and eat. Lol. Anyway, Blah blah, end of my childhood. Thoroughly underwhelmed and thinking back, the books were fun to read but never really made a lasting impact on me. Laughed out loud at Ron as a parent/adult. Saw familarity in him though, which was...comforting.
   I was really, really happy Monday. I think once the heat dies down and I change neighborhoods it will be better (and once I figure out a routine...I don't care how OCD people think I am, I just FUNCTION better with a set plan that is somewhat regulated. But, if I'm not making progress by the end of the first week or week and a half, I might quit because there's no point going out nearly every day in heat, etc. to not make money. Especially when I could be spending the day in AC, sitting on the couch, reading and being relatively happy with my situation. And perhaps working towards the future.

goodness!

   I been doing a lot of thinking, come to a lot of realizations, feelin' grown for it. I may not have made good decisions in the past but at least I learned from them!
   I think I rather liked being aloneish this past week and not having transportation cus really, where would I have rather been than sitting on Omi's couch in front of the picture window (sunshine!) reading, reading, reading.
   Ok, ok. Devin and others made me get out of the house. I am so so glad to be reconnecting with old friends.
Three-way phone conversation:
Devin: One of the dogs at my dad's house died last night and then my dad resuscitated it.
Me, stirring pasta: Shut the fuck up!
Amy: *cracks up laughing*
I had coffee with Sarah and that was lovely to sit in the sunshine and catch up.
I stay up late reading and texting Devin every hour or so exclaiming over some new thing that has occurred in the Dublin of the fever series.
   I made homemade pesto yesterday because I realized that I had all the implements!! Mum bought pistachios to eat in her hotel room and brought them home, and we have basil growing in a pot outside now. It tastes all nutty and earthy and smells strongly herby and lovely. I was really proud of myself.
   Yesterday I also helped at a funeral wake (sad) but basically spent the whole morning and early afternoon hanging out with really cool old ladies (I LOVE OLD PEOPLE), though I felt sick initially and then scraped the back of my leg really badly on a cart. We took home leftover salads and I am making healthy chicken tenders today.
   IIIII am tripped up sometimes, but right now, looking over the past week, I feel like threads are coming together. I don't have a lot to complain about, and I have a lot to be thankful for.

England

I love them all/it all/so much so much so much!
I feel proud when I get jokes and pick up on small cultural things.
Charli finally e-mailed me back!!!!!!
I think I could be happy there of my own volition and in my own company.
CPD was right when he said that you made a mistake and I feel the weight of it.

Prepare for the angst

   Today was a bit of a trying day. Woke up with not enough sleep and laid in bed for five minutes wondering how in the hell I managed to get up around 6AM in high school and just get on with it. The good thing was I laid in bed and listened to the mild thunderstorm outside. It's been a long time since that. Drove Mum to work but on little gas and then we got all the way to Centre where we were stopped by a downed powerline in the middle of the road. The authorities were just getting there to deal with it. So we ended up taking a detour through a residential neighborhood and came out beyond that point on Centre. Dropped Mum off, paranoid about running on empty, then ended up following the LONG line of cars taking the residential neighborhood. Straddling empty, stressed cus I was supposed to meet Chris, I sucked it up and gave BP my mother's money. Then met Chris. We had a lovely breakfast of bagels and coffee at Big Apple Bagel and talked about our lives. Glad I know that boy. Then I headed home and arrived just before the real storm hit. Wind and pouring rain, I stayed on weather.com and the tv signal kept going in and out. Finally it ended and I made do watching British shows.
   Mum called and had me come pick her up from work because only half the office had power. I collected her then turned around and got Ian for book club. Successful meeting discussing Revolutionary Road. Got an interesting setup for next time--I get to finish Fever series for it, others are reading what they want, will present to group. Then we're making Ian read at least one Fever book! Then I had to go to Target for a mouse for Mum, was annoyed because she said UPC when she meant USB and I was all stressed and confused. More British telly and a salad when I got home and then just stress cus she laid on these errands on me. Sidenote: got a call RIGHT before I was going to leave and I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW FOR NEXT MONDAY. Wanted me sooner but I don't have a car this week. Would need to sort out transport for earlier as Mum will be gone all week. But anyway, drove ALL the way back to Centre to the credit union, and then it was closed due to lack of power and I had skipped cashing my check and then the bank was closed. I was just a bit frazzled because driving round all day really rather stresses me out. But...ZUMBA.
   Kind of bad that actually getting myself to a thing I enjoy on time stresses me out and has become a big thing. Class went by so fast today and I didn't sweat really hard til the latter half. I think she took it easy on us a bit. Then I was bothered by the sun glaring at the windshield a long time. Just every little thing seems to get at me when I'm tired. Made it home, showered, going to see Kyle and Aunt Viv tomorrow instead of sitting around, which is nice. Cleanedish bathroom, did dishes, I am a regular homemaker! Cut coupons, too, and am finally taking time to chill out. Content! :)

weird dream

   For some reason, I am struck with the wish to record my dream last night so here goes. Was kind of back in England? (Note the inflection tone of my voice when I tell you that.) It was almost like a split world in that I knew I had to go back for another month and a half/for the rest of the summer. I'm not quite sure if my vantage point there was from America or if I was in England preparing to leave, knowing I had to come back. Then I WAS in London...the layout was different. I remember having to cross really tricky streets by just running when traffic was clear and there were just lines and lines of people, us students, preparing to move somewhere. Was I moving back in to the flat? But Ian was there and I think Devin and maybe one other American friend...we were all carrying bundles of possessions and making this trek kind of down the bankside (that looked way different, almost like a cartoonized map version really) of the Thames and around a corner to our building. It was and wasn't different to my actual flat I had there. The kitchen had been remodeled somehow...there was now a dishwasher and a TV was mounted on the wall. I remember my flatmates were there. I think I felt Shubha's presence bustling around the kitchen; it was like we were getting ready for one of our flat dinners. Charli was definitely there. (I've been thinking about her a lot lately and I miss her.) Arun was there, too. I don't think I remember him as much in the dream as waking up and knowing he was there.
   Then I remember being back in the cartoon map landscape of London for a bit and then it was like a lot of the people I got to know there in a museum and we were being taking on a tour, and I think one of the tourguides was vaguely a British comedian. We first met up in this cramped room with museum lighting. Everyone was kind of hyped, running around. Charli was there again with her boyfriend vaguely there, and other people had sort of paired off since I'd last seen them? And then Greg was there, only he sort of split into two personalities which made me really paranoid somehow. The two versions looked just slightly different, maybe one had a little different hair, but it was like looking at the same person from two different angles. Then I used dream logic to tell myself it was the same person and then there was only one version after that. I just remember going through this museum, breaking off in a group that walked faster and went ahead. I thought we were going to get into trouble, but the British comedian, who I think was our teacher in the dream, was good and just took over for those who lagged behind. I remember going through an impossibly big staircase and then when we got to the next floor, there an equally impossibly small hallway which still had artifacts hanging. I backed up into one and knocked it on the floor and expected to get into trouble, but instead the tourguide shrugged it off after putting it back and said, "The walls are made for people knocking into them" or something and then I noticed the walls were basically plywood, made in places to look better than that. Also, in the newer flat kitchen, there was more wood accenting. I remember the presence of my friends throughout.

Ok, time to settle back down into the quiet rhythm and routine

   The house is finally empty, not that I'm making a underhanded comment. Family plans crumbled for the weekend and Ben brought Violet on Sunday afternoon. He left me on Monday feeling exhausted already and with a nervous feeling because I was to watch Violet all on my own on Tuesday. Mum to the point that she actually came home around 5pm. But it turned out being fine, aside from general lack of sleep. The only true worry came when I was feeding her breakfast, just paranoid that at any moment she could just choke and my breath would catch in my lungs and just...bad. But it was good! We played and then she went down for a knock-out nap. So long that I finished my book and was so hungry I couldn't wait to eat with her. Mum came home and took some of the pressure off. Bashley came back and we had stressful and good family time.
   Even though Violet basically refused to go to bed on Tuesday night, she was up around 7 on Wednesday, waking me up. I am still a morning person, but this lack of sleep summer has turned me into a grumpy morning zombie until I actually have to drive myself home. I have discovered that I really cherish that morning routine that has developed--driving Mum to work, then having my music in the car ride home on the highway, back into the house for a coffee and some telly as I start the day properly. Just a slightly altered story this week with visitors. The general tiredness had me in a bad mood, one that not even zumba could get rid of. The sweat poured down again, and a strain in my side halfway through threatened to make me quit, but I didn't and took the time to laugh almost audibly at myself during the class at my persistent inability to master quite simple footwork. So I guess that was a positive. I came home just feeling SO grumpy. Played Scrabble with Ben and Mum and discovered that I good and plainly suck at it. I cried, literally. Cus Ben was being mean about it (in a caring, brotherly way) and I was just tired and upset. Then Mum and I watched an eppy of Gene Simmons where he visited military people who were about to deploy, and it was just depressing. Also, as of last night and today, I realized I need to lay off the coffee drinks and have more water. Note: most of the drinks are decaf so are not contributing to lack of sleep. Just general going to bed lateness, fear of spiders, heat, having to get up early.
   Today was quite bland and depressing. I should rather talk about how amazing my niece is. I don't really feel like I'm the type of person to go on about How Amazing It Is To Watch Her Grow or anything, nor do I go crazy on little children when a lot of other people are already lavishing attention on them, but it was nice to spend a more extended amount of time with Violet, to really watch her in action. And action indeed. I somehow wondered at adults gaining weight with children when you are always having to get up to mind her going into another room. And how you have to make sure she eats a protein, a veggie, a fruit at each meal--makes me focus more on what I would eat at the same time. It was cool to watch her learn the small things. Ok so maybe I am going on a bit :P
   Maybe I am down a bit about the next two weeks but I know that overall "it's going to be good" and that I'll have things to occupy my time (such as making an inspirational poster of a Simon quote!) and such. All will be ok. Already on the countdown to one of my besties coming home, got a free strip show. Listen to "Together" and think of Nina singing it happily, listen to "Young Love" and think of a Starbucks on Bankside. Cuddle with my cats, try not to kill another bird on the highway*, all will be well! Also, I think you should know that I'm wearing lipstick.

*I can't believe I forgot to tell this story! And graphic element warning!: Mum and I were driving home from the gym like last week. I was driving, on the highway, going fast then obviously. See this black thing kind of swooping down, closer and closer, rapid rapid, all of a sudden it SMACKS against the windshield and basically explodes. I mean, I saw it out of the corner of my eyes but it happened right in front of Mum. Blood and guts up the windshield. It wasn't like a bloodbath, but it was so random and just nasty. Mum almost threw up. When we got home she had to hose down the car. Nast.

Cra-Cra Random Slazzy Slimy Jamalam Time

  It was almost a Weekend of Disappointment. A Friday night of loneliness after not feeling well and watching Buzzcocks all afternoon. A Saturday of Women's Wimbledon final, power grocery shopping, and CLEANING UNDERNEATH THE KITCHEN ISLAND. Honestly, what has gotten into me that I'm suddenly unwilling to just sit around and actually want to get things done? Anyway, we came up with like three boxes of stuff to donate and neatened things up and THEN I felt I earned sitting on the couch and watching Sex and the City with Mum, which has become a new thing we do. I had so much trouble sleeping though--I know it was the heat but it was also the fact that earlier that day there had been a fast-crawling spider going across my wall right near my bed...and then later I found a bug that I hope just fell of one of the cats on the bed. Mum sprayed eucalyptus, which is supposed to ward them off naturally but I still avoided the wall. -_-
   Today we watched men's Wimbledon final. Then there was a brief down period before I loaded up the car to go to Goodwill, where I managed to get the steering wheel slightly stuck. Then Mum got it even MORE stuck and we were sat in the oppressive heat outside the donation door for like, well it must've just been 5-7 minutes, but it was embarrassing because one guy kept going by us to throw out boxes. Finally, when I was despairing and considering just calling AAA, I got out of the car and asked one of the guys working there if he was "good at cars", which honestly I'm a bit embarrassed about now. But he said yes and I explained what happened so he hopped in, phenaggled for about a minute and got it started!! To which I exclaimed "You're brilliant!! Thank you so much!!" And we drove off...around the corner to go into the actual store. But I prided myself on my damsel in distress abilities. (For the record, we did try and it was REALLY stuck.) Went to Target after that and had to pry Mum's fingers off of sales rack baby clothes but she ended up buying a dress and I insisted on a Dr. Suess t-shirt.
   Ben was home when we got there and we were all upstairs crooning over Violet. Then I began to make dinner and we had all-out Mexican: tacos, Spanish rice, corn mush, homemade guacamole. I ate too much and then had to clean up the kitchen, which was exhausting. The sink is full of dishes which I will have to do tomorrow because I did a shitload earlier today and apparently we can't run the dishwasher too much or it will make the water bill get too high. We played three rounds of euchre which was good down in my belly. I watched British shows with Ben, and he admitted that he had a hard time understanding/keeping up with the accents in the Inbetweeners. Now I have the albums I wanted and my mousepad is slightly sticky. I am exhausted. Ben is going home tomorrow but Violet is staying here and I will watch her Tuesday for the whole day all by myself. Then he and Ashley will come spend a night. It's going to be a busy week cus I need to have an errand day, do chores (laundry!), see people, and read/do book club. But it's all good in the hood!

some things that happened

Nest Scramble at Crow's Nest with Claire, hashing out the drama and wonder of our lives.
First meeting of Kalamazoo Book Club a success.
Coffee with Chris, always lovely, talking about life.
Zumba kicking my ass and making me feel so good, making me understand what it is to sweat out the impurities.
Salad, salad so good, crunching in my mouth, feeling healthy.
Financial crisis taken back to dull, throbbing problem at the back of my head.
Skyping good for the [my] soul.
IMs sneaking their way into my stable emotional grid, trip me up, make me cry.
Wonder really, what am I crying at?
But can't stop. For a short while.
Long overdue catch-up with Amy, add Devin to that mix.
Huddling around the too-hot oven for pizza, blondies, smoothies.
Seeing a movie for the first time since being home.
Remembering a summer of three years ago where we basically never paid.
Rounding the corner to the Rave in parsed out droplets of rain, yelling, feeling free, commenting about how Kalamazoo never changes but it feels good to be downtown and out.
Thinking Jesse Eisenberg is like the American Simon Amstell but will never be as good, as cute, as amazing.
Subsequently miss Simon Amstell (I have issues).
Home to dessert and apparently I'm a hipster geek. What?!
No, seriously, what.
To Parchment to hear boys play guitar.
Get absolutely lost, followed by guys in neighborhood, car egged, scared and laughing, round and round and round.
Listen to those boys play guitar and have girl pow wow on the floor, one overhears us talking about penises.
Amy produces fake tattoos so we traipse upstairs to put them on in trashy places.
Bored, leave.
Home in the rain.