Ok, so it's good that I'm finding good things happening in a row...and that I'm finding time to write a short snippet about my life after getting most important work out of the way. This morning in 19th century American we were finishing up with Whitman and going over passages basically about him touching himself, orgasming and then basking in the afterglow. We then had discussion about that and a lot of people were saying it was awkward and embarrassing and knowing me, I was loving it and felt it made Whitman more accessible to me. LOL. No, but I might write on him...also I think I kind of got over the awkwardness of hearing KL say "oral sex" because after we read the passages today he was just like, "What was Whitman ON when he wrote this????" It was great.
Also today, I had my tutorial with LT (I almost want to put her whole name in here but I am respecting privacy for once). Talking about my story took only like ten minutes and part 1 of goodness was that I used to be afraid of writing a story with sex or even swearing in it for her but I got over that and so she was talking about my story today, about one character and saying, "That bastard did this to her and ...!" It made me really happy. And then I asked her about the internships I'm applying for/about my future and she just gave me more insight into each of them and I'm going to make another advising appointment with her for Friday hopefully so we can talk about my future and publishing and so I can be on top of my shit. I just love LT, for realz. She keeps it real and I feel comfortable and happy and it was a good day.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
things good
So I'm on top of my work, right? Right?
Meredith came to visit today which is what I needed and we went to TeaHaus and I didn'tknowtheyhadsconesbuttheyhadscones SO I ATE SCONES TODAY. It was truly the best, although they don't have anything on Camellia's quirky teapots and perfectly shaped scones. Their scones were a bit dry but the blueberry one was goooood and they also served lemon curd.
ALSO Meredith brought me Heinz tomato soup and CLOTTED CREAM for my birthday. It was the best. And no one else need understand that.
A tiny escape in the midst of annoyance.
Meredith came to visit today which is what I needed and we went to TeaHaus and I didn'tknowtheyhadsconesbuttheyhadscones SO I ATE SCONES TODAY. It was truly the best, although they don't have anything on Camellia's quirky teapots and perfectly shaped scones. Their scones were a bit dry but the blueberry one was goooood and they also served lemon curd.
ALSO Meredith brought me Heinz tomato soup and CLOTTED CREAM for my birthday. It was the best. And no one else need understand that.
A tiny escape in the midst of annoyance.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
An Ode to Lists
1. Successful as shit RC Review meeting in which I became highly excited about the upcoming year and good people involved.
2. Getting drunk with house, Rachel renting a projector and subsequently watching episodes of Community on our living room wall.
3. Chill night [of giant black bean brownie slab] turning into girl's night watching Blair Witch on the living room floor amidst a sea of pillows and blankets and nail polish.
4. Sue falling asleep during movie and spending the night on the floor in our own house.
5. Making mondo egg scramble for house followed by apple cinnamon scones.
6. Day-long food coma.
7. Best dinner I've made myself yet--salmon, roasted onions, potatoes, green beans.
8. Feel baller.
9. Lots of time spent on porch swing.
10. Staying on budget.
11. Saddle soap smelling like Terrapin.
12. Having a bad day but counteracting it by calling the boo then getting lost in good music (like he told me to).
13. Housemates all being so collectively adorable I got annoyed and told them to stop.
14. Learning and growing each and every day and making the most of my knowledge.
15. LIFE.
2. Getting drunk with house, Rachel renting a projector and subsequently watching episodes of Community on our living room wall.
3. Chill night [of giant black bean brownie slab] turning into girl's night watching Blair Witch on the living room floor amidst a sea of pillows and blankets and nail polish.
4. Sue falling asleep during movie and spending the night on the floor in our own house.
5. Making mondo egg scramble for house followed by apple cinnamon scones.
6. Day-long food coma.
7. Best dinner I've made myself yet--salmon, roasted onions, potatoes, green beans.
8. Feel baller.
9. Lots of time spent on porch swing.
10. Staying on budget.
11. Saddle soap smelling like Terrapin.
12. Having a bad day but counteracting it by calling the boo then getting lost in good music (like he told me to).
13. Housemates all being so collectively adorable I got annoyed and told them to stop.
14. Learning and growing each and every day and making the most of my knowledge.
15. LIFE.
Monday, September 12, 2011
thisisgoingtoberushed
I can't even begin to go into detail about all the stuff that's happened since I last wrote. I've gone out so much more than I ever have before--kareoke, salsa dancing (mojito!), more visiting people, festiforum, bowling, dinners, lots of Prague, etc. It's been loads of fun and extremely tiring and somehow I've still managed to participate a bunch of times in the class I was dreading and didn't really get what was going on in the essay at all. I think that's why I like KL as a professor. I don't love him but I don't hate him. He spins things in a very approachable way, makes them very relatable. Also, it rained for like four days in a row at least. And when I say it rained, like pouring 80% of the day. Lots of soggy shoes, soggy socks, squishy walking noises. Lots of feeling super connected to many different people and then realizing that I am going to enjoy having some space and quiet time. My room is kind of a mess. I should probably do laundry. Niko was here. I have to go to Kalamazoo and back tomorrow. It's going to be another insanely busy week. I am really excited about RC Review. I want more Miranda and tea and coziness. I have been too scatterbrained with all the shit that I've had to do and I need to focus and get more organized.
I thought it was going to be awful that I waited until tonight to write my short story for tutorial tomorrow (which, incidentally, I can't go to because of aforementioned scatterbrainedness), but as my thoughts brewed up in my headspace, I knew there was a small scene that I had to at least write out even though I knew it was going to be a bit emotionally difficult, but it was one of those things that I have to realize I would regret not getting out at least as artistically as I heard it in my head. So I sat down and started writing it and got to two paragraphs which told all I needed and then I was like, "Oh, there's an idea of how to make this into a story." And bam. Story. Story that made me feel on the verge of tears at some points writing it, but that's good, right? I feel like, especially after what I overheard at the previous appointment last week, tutorials are really like therapy. Yes, we learn how to improve our writing (therapy in itself) one-on-one with a really great professor, but doing such an intimate thing helps. It just helps.
And I want to be like Pam Houston and write really great poetic short stories about these crazy adventures and how great it can be to be single but not too much because sometimes she gets a bit whiny or carries on like, "Why am I still single? Why do men suck?" cus they all bust out on her but not that stuff, more like the rapids stories and the travelling the world stories are amazing. I always come back to her and just marvel.
I thought it was going to be awful that I waited until tonight to write my short story for tutorial tomorrow (which, incidentally, I can't go to because of aforementioned scatterbrainedness), but as my thoughts brewed up in my headspace, I knew there was a small scene that I had to at least write out even though I knew it was going to be a bit emotionally difficult, but it was one of those things that I have to realize I would regret not getting out at least as artistically as I heard it in my head. So I sat down and started writing it and got to two paragraphs which told all I needed and then I was like, "Oh, there's an idea of how to make this into a story." And bam. Story. Story that made me feel on the verge of tears at some points writing it, but that's good, right? I feel like, especially after what I overheard at the previous appointment last week, tutorials are really like therapy. Yes, we learn how to improve our writing (therapy in itself) one-on-one with a really great professor, but doing such an intimate thing helps. It just helps.
And I want to be like Pam Houston and write really great poetic short stories about these crazy adventures and how great it can be to be single but not too much because sometimes she gets a bit whiny or carries on like, "Why am I still single? Why do men suck?" cus they all bust out on her but not that stuff, more like the rapids stories and the travelling the world stories are amazing. I always come back to her and just marvel.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Hello September
So I'm all moved into my new house in Ann Arbor. For days all I could think of was getting out and getting here but there have been moments of sheer panic. At least at this point I could realize a reason: change. For ages I've known that I have a lot of trouble adjusting to new situations. Change freaks me out because I feel comfortable and more productive when I continue doing things a certain way and I know where everything is (relatively) and what's going on, etc. I've only visited Ann Arbor twice in the past year and each time it was merely social visiting really, making me feel somehow exempt from school goings on. It's weird to be here and feel like now I HAVE to belong because I'm here for a year to go to school and be a legitimate person. It's weird not living in EQ, but I guess that's for the best because I like having my own room and a kitchen and all that. I know that once classes start all will be different in a good way--I will be busy and things will naturally settle into a pace, a cycle, what have you.
I guess one thing I've been thinking about that also makes me uncomfortable about being here is feeling like I don't fit into the stereotypical American university lifestyle. I'm not huge on drinking, as in I don't look forward to doing it every weekend, night, party, whatever. I'm an old soul and prefer staying in or at least being surrounded by people with whom I'm very close because then it's ok to let it all hang out. I don't need a guard (see 21st birthday outing post). Anyway, getting drunk or whatever is not my primary aim and I don't feel like I fit in in Ann Arbor. I like this place but it's not for me. I want to beat back to what I said about having an excuse/being exempt from school. That made it better to be in Ann Arbor because I was just doing my thing. As another example, I've been missing the ease of being in London. Yeah, I know I was depressed for the first two months, but it was ok overall because I had the excuse of being a foreigner. London was such a big city that there were many unis and they were interspersed with other people who just lived and worked in the city. So you had the club culture, where people did go clubbing quite frequently, but it wasn't shoved down your face as much because everything was so spread out. I had more of an excuse to frequent museums and just be OUT there in general, exploring by merely walking around, so I didn't NEED to fill up my days with drinking, etc. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing or just neutral that that was my excuse and I felt more comfortable with that. I am kind of in a state where all I want is to get in and get out of this year. I know I want to have some fun, but largely I'm ready to move on.
I have good days where I think I'll be ok to get on with my life, but each morning here thus far I've woken up and some thought springs into my head and I feel instantly depressed and begin to panic before it drifts away and I'm ok again. I think it's helped that, after the initial craze and setting up of the house, I have finally been able to have some true alone time out and also some socialization with friends who also live here. Last night I went to Prague and spent some time just talking one-on-one with Michelle, who I adore. This morning I went to sign up for my creative writing tutorial in EQ and was going to visit Ellen at her work, but she left early so I just headed to a Starbucks, ordered a venti iced chai, and sat talking to my mum for a bit, then reading the Gargoyle and the Michigan Daily. Ellen was still out so I then moved on to a podcast and some sudoku. I was totally in my zone, free to be just in my head in a good way and it was just really relaxing. Ellen was then home so I stopped by to see her new apartment and we sat chatting for about half an hour before I came home. I've been largely organizing more things in my room and for my life. It all feels ok.
I guess one thing I've been thinking about that also makes me uncomfortable about being here is feeling like I don't fit into the stereotypical American university lifestyle. I'm not huge on drinking, as in I don't look forward to doing it every weekend, night, party, whatever. I'm an old soul and prefer staying in or at least being surrounded by people with whom I'm very close because then it's ok to let it all hang out. I don't need a guard (see 21st birthday outing post). Anyway, getting drunk or whatever is not my primary aim and I don't feel like I fit in in Ann Arbor. I like this place but it's not for me. I want to beat back to what I said about having an excuse/being exempt from school. That made it better to be in Ann Arbor because I was just doing my thing. As another example, I've been missing the ease of being in London. Yeah, I know I was depressed for the first two months, but it was ok overall because I had the excuse of being a foreigner. London was such a big city that there were many unis and they were interspersed with other people who just lived and worked in the city. So you had the club culture, where people did go clubbing quite frequently, but it wasn't shoved down your face as much because everything was so spread out. I had more of an excuse to frequent museums and just be OUT there in general, exploring by merely walking around, so I didn't NEED to fill up my days with drinking, etc. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing or just neutral that that was my excuse and I felt more comfortable with that. I am kind of in a state where all I want is to get in and get out of this year. I know I want to have some fun, but largely I'm ready to move on.
I have good days where I think I'll be ok to get on with my life, but each morning here thus far I've woken up and some thought springs into my head and I feel instantly depressed and begin to panic before it drifts away and I'm ok again. I think it's helped that, after the initial craze and setting up of the house, I have finally been able to have some true alone time out and also some socialization with friends who also live here. Last night I went to Prague and spent some time just talking one-on-one with Michelle, who I adore. This morning I went to sign up for my creative writing tutorial in EQ and was going to visit Ellen at her work, but she left early so I just headed to a Starbucks, ordered a venti iced chai, and sat talking to my mum for a bit, then reading the Gargoyle and the Michigan Daily. Ellen was still out so I then moved on to a podcast and some sudoku. I was totally in my zone, free to be just in my head in a good way and it was just really relaxing. Ellen was then home so I stopped by to see her new apartment and we sat chatting for about half an hour before I came home. I've been largely organizing more things in my room and for my life. It all feels ok.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
No Subject?
I'm feeling quite overwhelmingly sad right now. I think it's partly because I haven't worked out that much in the past week and a half and overeating has made me feel larger and sluggish. I was so so excited to be moving back to school and now I'm in a mood where I'm terrified. I got my tooth implant this morning and I didn't cry like I did before wisdom teeth removal, but I was laughing out of sheer nerves. I kept my eyes closed every time they were working and the drilling into my jaw bone wasn't even the worst part; it was probably having it screwed in cus I could hear all the clicks or feeling the tugs as I was sewn up. It was went well though, and we filled a ton of prescriptions afterward. Then I came home and watched the first Sherlock Holmes movie which was surprisingly good and then after that things kind of went downhill. I've sat on the couch all day because I can't do any strenuous activity for a day or so, and I'm just kind of wallowing in self pity.
I feel sad all over again that what happened happened, and I try so hard to tell myself that it'll be better. I know it will be but I want it to be better now, you know? I thought today, after listening to a DS podcast, that a year really isn't a long time, so I just have to get through the next year in Ann Arbor and then I can move on to Chicago or wherever and hopefully live a fun and fulfilling life. It just fucking hurts to know that I wasn't it, even in theory. I think that's the kicker. I feel awful all over again because I brought it on myself. I feel sorry a second time over (in partly selfish ways) because I made myself untrustworthy and hurt someone I care a lot about. I beat it into myself and have to actively make myself stop thinking about it. I have to move on.
We were watching Bachelor Pad last night and aside from the usual incredibly stupid shit that happens on a show like that, there was a lot of drama between these two people who were engaged at one point, and she broke up with him first and then they got back together and she said something like, "When we got back together, I knew I was going to love him forever." And then he broke up with her because he thought she wasn't fully in it, and then he wanted her back and she was just really confused and she said that when he broke up with her something in her broke. I was holding back tears and I had to leave the room cus it was getting to be too much. Say what you want about the pointlessness of me blogging about that, but it was heartbreaking to listen to.
I also have been fighting with my family a lot lately. I had another freak out breakdown moment on Sunday morning in front of Mum, Ben and Violet. You know, you get through things. It's not completely resolved but I feel like I just need to move out and do my own thing. One year, Elissa, one year, and then hopefully you will have your life more together and it will be more ok than it is now...
I feel sad all over again that what happened happened, and I try so hard to tell myself that it'll be better. I know it will be but I want it to be better now, you know? I thought today, after listening to a DS podcast, that a year really isn't a long time, so I just have to get through the next year in Ann Arbor and then I can move on to Chicago or wherever and hopefully live a fun and fulfilling life. It just fucking hurts to know that I wasn't it, even in theory. I think that's the kicker. I feel awful all over again because I brought it on myself. I feel sorry a second time over (in partly selfish ways) because I made myself untrustworthy and hurt someone I care a lot about. I beat it into myself and have to actively make myself stop thinking about it. I have to move on.
We were watching Bachelor Pad last night and aside from the usual incredibly stupid shit that happens on a show like that, there was a lot of drama between these two people who were engaged at one point, and she broke up with him first and then they got back together and she said something like, "When we got back together, I knew I was going to love him forever." And then he broke up with her because he thought she wasn't fully in it, and then he wanted her back and she was just really confused and she said that when he broke up with her something in her broke. I was holding back tears and I had to leave the room cus it was getting to be too much. Say what you want about the pointlessness of me blogging about that, but it was heartbreaking to listen to.
I also have been fighting with my family a lot lately. I had another freak out breakdown moment on Sunday morning in front of Mum, Ben and Violet. You know, you get through things. It's not completely resolved but I feel like I just need to move out and do my own thing. One year, Elissa, one year, and then hopefully you will have your life more together and it will be more ok than it is now...
Saturday, August 27, 2011
"Girl, this is the anthem of our GENERATION!" (My 21st Birthday--Friend Celebration)
ALL GEARED UP. Cue the uplifting song lyrics and entire albums dedicated to past relationships.
Friend celebration began with my mother DDing and picking up three of my friends before we hit up Monaco Bay. I was wished happy belated birthday by the doormen and didn't have to pay cover. Ian bought me my first drink--a raspberry martini and we kind of collected the troops and talked and stuff while waiting for Chris to arrive. It was pretty chill and fun as we all loosened up. I looked fucking fantastic (about time that I had the self-esteem to really be able to say that about myself)--wearing a dress that Aunt Viv got me for my birthday last year and a belt that Omi gave me. After Chris came, we attempted to find Skydeck but only found the outside District bar, which was kind of dead. We found a map then took the elevator up to Skydeck, which was really beautiful with minimal decor. Drinks were really pared down and weird (who doesn't have Mojitos?!), and they were served in plastic cups, obviously to avoid having glass thrown off the roof. We stayed there until I was good and tipsy and Carman was texting me saying to come down outside Monaco Bay.
It was close to 11 at that point so Ellen was out of dance so we left for good and met Carm outside. He was attempting to look as if he were streaking but I was just like, "Why are you poking your stomach into me while we hug?!" It was really sweet of him to come out at all to wish me happy birthday so we stood talking amongst ourselves while I directed Ellen downtown and Amy was on her way as well. Kyle, Anna, and I rode with Ellen to Metro. Amy bought me another mixed drink and we all regrouped and talked around a table until there was actually a good song and I pounced on that shit with Ellen and soon others followed.
The music was so much better than last weekend and actually danceable!! There were three really good songs in a row. "Bulletproof", which I now take to be one of my getting-over-it anthems. Time to be rock solid. Then "Rolling in the Deep". While I was getting ready, I had heard John Legend doing a cover of it which made me pay more attention to the lyrics and it's fitting. It just felt good.
The next few hours were spent cooling down around the table with some water and then when a good song came on, spastically running for the dance floor with Ellen in tow. Iiiiiii...got kind of ho-ish at times. On Obi, down to the floor, etc., but it was all in good fun. Dancing is good for the soul, my soul, hurt souls. I had so much fucking fun just letting loose and being crazy and enjoying the songs I love and having my friends around to share that with. Obi insisted next on buying me a shot, so I came back from dancing to a Girl Scout (think thing mints and alcohol). Downed that shit and more dancing. Right at the end, they insisted I have one more drink so I came back from dancing to another mixed drink and downed that pretty fast. By that point I was feeling it a bit more cus it soaked in pretty quickly. I was just leaned against Obi, wanting sleep a bit, and he was like, "Your dancing is so cute! It's just cute! You got the standard white girl jumping down but you're starting to use that booty!" Lmfao. Everyone then insisted on going to IHOP. We only left ten minutes before Metro closed.
By that time it was 2am and only Amy (DD), me, Obi, Devin and Ian and we made our way down Westnedge to IHOP and all I knew was I needed some water and something salty. Ian was hilarious and Obi cried into his blueberry pancakes (they were hard to finish). I DEVOURED a Colorado omelette, which had at least four kinds of meat in it, cheese, peppers, onions. And then I ate one or two pancakes. SO GOOD. My first time drunk eating. We left IHOP around 3 and by the time everyone was dropped off and I was the last one, I got in the door at like quarter to four. Obi had told me to drink another glass of water before bed but I didn't want to have to pee that night. All I wanted was sleep. I took a shower and crawled desperately into bed and knocked out for about three hours. Woke up with my head at a low pounding level, so I got up and had some ibuprofen and some water to alleviate the pain of fully waking up later.
Felt only a little rough this morning when I woke up at nearly noon. Pretty chill afternoon. Ben came with Violet, Aunt Marilou and Tony came. Some family annoyances but we went to OCB (lolz) for dinner, stuffed self, and went to Tiffany's with Ben to buy some Magners. Highly appropriate to then come home and watch Doctor Who for three hours. Nearly like I was in England again. Oh, was v. sweet when Tony left, he was like, "Tell -- see you later. He lost out." I had to try really hard not to cry. Family always comes through in the end.
From a kind of badly memorable actual birthday day to probably one of the best, if not the best, birthdays I've ever had. I am so grateful for amazing friends. I'm ready to say peace easy to my hometown in favor of putting to work all the lessons I learned living on my own already, can't wait to drink English tea in my room while holed up watching telly on the computer. Making my world around me. Let's get this.
Friend celebration began with my mother DDing and picking up three of my friends before we hit up Monaco Bay. I was wished happy belated birthday by the doormen and didn't have to pay cover. Ian bought me my first drink--a raspberry martini and we kind of collected the troops and talked and stuff while waiting for Chris to arrive. It was pretty chill and fun as we all loosened up. I looked fucking fantastic (about time that I had the self-esteem to really be able to say that about myself)--wearing a dress that Aunt Viv got me for my birthday last year and a belt that Omi gave me. After Chris came, we attempted to find Skydeck but only found the outside District bar, which was kind of dead. We found a map then took the elevator up to Skydeck, which was really beautiful with minimal decor. Drinks were really pared down and weird (who doesn't have Mojitos?!), and they were served in plastic cups, obviously to avoid having glass thrown off the roof. We stayed there until I was good and tipsy and Carman was texting me saying to come down outside Monaco Bay.
It was close to 11 at that point so Ellen was out of dance so we left for good and met Carm outside. He was attempting to look as if he were streaking but I was just like, "Why are you poking your stomach into me while we hug?!" It was really sweet of him to come out at all to wish me happy birthday so we stood talking amongst ourselves while I directed Ellen downtown and Amy was on her way as well. Kyle, Anna, and I rode with Ellen to Metro. Amy bought me another mixed drink and we all regrouped and talked around a table until there was actually a good song and I pounced on that shit with Ellen and soon others followed.
The music was so much better than last weekend and actually danceable!! There were three really good songs in a row. "Bulletproof", which I now take to be one of my getting-over-it anthems. Time to be rock solid. Then "Rolling in the Deep". While I was getting ready, I had heard John Legend doing a cover of it which made me pay more attention to the lyrics and it's fitting. It just felt good.
The next few hours were spent cooling down around the table with some water and then when a good song came on, spastically running for the dance floor with Ellen in tow. Iiiiiii...got kind of ho-ish at times. On Obi, down to the floor, etc., but it was all in good fun. Dancing is good for the soul, my soul, hurt souls. I had so much fucking fun just letting loose and being crazy and enjoying the songs I love and having my friends around to share that with. Obi insisted next on buying me a shot, so I came back from dancing to a Girl Scout (think thing mints and alcohol). Downed that shit and more dancing. Right at the end, they insisted I have one more drink so I came back from dancing to another mixed drink and downed that pretty fast. By that point I was feeling it a bit more cus it soaked in pretty quickly. I was just leaned against Obi, wanting sleep a bit, and he was like, "Your dancing is so cute! It's just cute! You got the standard white girl jumping down but you're starting to use that booty!" Lmfao. Everyone then insisted on going to IHOP. We only left ten minutes before Metro closed.
By that time it was 2am and only Amy (DD), me, Obi, Devin and Ian and we made our way down Westnedge to IHOP and all I knew was I needed some water and something salty. Ian was hilarious and Obi cried into his blueberry pancakes (they were hard to finish). I DEVOURED a Colorado omelette, which had at least four kinds of meat in it, cheese, peppers, onions. And then I ate one or two pancakes. SO GOOD. My first time drunk eating. We left IHOP around 3 and by the time everyone was dropped off and I was the last one, I got in the door at like quarter to four. Obi had told me to drink another glass of water before bed but I didn't want to have to pee that night. All I wanted was sleep. I took a shower and crawled desperately into bed and knocked out for about three hours. Woke up with my head at a low pounding level, so I got up and had some ibuprofen and some water to alleviate the pain of fully waking up later.
Felt only a little rough this morning when I woke up at nearly noon. Pretty chill afternoon. Ben came with Violet, Aunt Marilou and Tony came. Some family annoyances but we went to OCB (lolz) for dinner, stuffed self, and went to Tiffany's with Ben to buy some Magners. Highly appropriate to then come home and watch Doctor Who for three hours. Nearly like I was in England again. Oh, was v. sweet when Tony left, he was like, "Tell -- see you later. He lost out." I had to try really hard not to cry. Family always comes through in the end.
From a kind of badly memorable actual birthday day to probably one of the best, if not the best, birthdays I've ever had. I am so grateful for amazing friends. I'm ready to say peace easy to my hometown in favor of putting to work all the lessons I learned living on my own already, can't wait to drink English tea in my room while holed up watching telly on the computer. Making my world around me. Let's get this.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
My 21st Birthday (The Actual Day, The 24 Hours)
So as my 21st birthday comes to a close I can't help but think about all the shit that has gone down. My mum would say not to post this online because she hates when I say personal things like that I've even had a bad day, but whatever. I need to reflect. I will skirt over some things because they are indeed too personal to put here.
I was given gifts at midnight and then driven to Meijer to make my first purchase. It was pouring and extremely difficult to see the road. I bought tequila and was wished happy birthday by the girl who checked my ID. I then set off the security alarm because she forgot to take off the cap thing. I went home to enjoy a margarita.
Essentially my heart was broken in the early hours of my birthday. It is what it is and nothing can change it. I went to bed at 5am praying for sleep that hadn't come in the previous hours (something I had hoped would deliver me from impending doom), and I slept, woken up by a sweet text around 8am from my cousin Tony and came fully awake at 10am, deciding if I slept more I would be more sad that I already was. I spent some time crying, wondering how the animals perceived my sobs, as one of the cats stopped napping to look at me in that only slightly startled way that cats have. I think Lily grew used to it. Chelsey called me and I talked to her until I had to get dressed and ready to leave.
Aunt Viv and Kyle were RIGHT on time picking me up at half twelve and I told them of the badness but quickly covered it up with the funny recounting of my alcohol purchase at 1am in my boxers. We headed to Panera, where Kyle brought over water and food and I was happy and distracted, laughing with family I hadn't seen in at least a month. We then ran some errands at Harding's and Kohl's, where I was made to hold my urine while I gave my opinion. Kyle and I sought childhood revenge by paging AV on the PA system. (She came right away). Finally we checked out and went to M-89 cinemas to see The Help with Aunt Viv's friend from work. I got a frozen mocha. We were late. The movie had already started when we walked in.
After the movie I was so cold that Kyle and I basked in the humidity outside while we all kind of chatted and I wondered if I was ready to go home. They invited me for dinner, Kyle insisted I come. I gave Mum the heads up and we just ran to Walgreen's and to check on Kyle's car before heading to their house.
By that point I was yawning a lot; the lack of sleep had caught up to me. I tried to help around the kitchen but I ended up calling my brother and talking to him for a few minutes before taking out some emotion by pounding the pork cutlets....several of them. Ellen rang me in the middle, so with one hand covered in drying meat fat, I again went to the porch and spoke to her and I just can't express how grateful I am for her friendship. How a simple offer can mean so much to me. It was good.
I came back in to wash my hands and then just basically sat at the table while chaos happened around me (the family) until we were ready to eat. It's always crazy to have casual dinners at my aunt's house but I fully appreciate that crazy. After dinner, Kyle drove me home and we talked a lot about relationships and it was meaningful to me. Steve was waiting up for me when I got home. He had bought me a tiny chocolate cake so Mum and he gave me a card, lit the candle and I made a wish, a half-hearted wish. Steve went to bed and I told Mum my woes, surprisingly keeping my composure. She took me to Applebees where I got a Raspberry martini thing and was carded but wished happy birthday by the waitress. We just chatted and enjoyed the time together watching the DJ play better music than metro, watching a man checking everyone else out, decided that this guy at the bar was gay with the man beside him and that he looked like a redheaded David Cook.
I came home to chat to some people and start the crying again, then finally got to talk to my best friend. He listened to me cry and what I had to say and made me feel better by just being the amazing person that he is. We made each other laugh, he used a simile about Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, he told me crazy storeis about his family. An hour and ten minutes later, with lots of our bases covered, and me feeling loads better about everything, we hung up. I took a shower and now I'm sitting in my room. My birthday was done eight minutes ago.
I am so thankful for the relationships in my life that bring me joy. Thank you for listening to me; thank you, best friend; thank you cousins. What Obi said about someone else is going to be true for me: I'm coming back hard.
I was given gifts at midnight and then driven to Meijer to make my first purchase. It was pouring and extremely difficult to see the road. I bought tequila and was wished happy birthday by the girl who checked my ID. I then set off the security alarm because she forgot to take off the cap thing. I went home to enjoy a margarita.
Essentially my heart was broken in the early hours of my birthday. It is what it is and nothing can change it. I went to bed at 5am praying for sleep that hadn't come in the previous hours (something I had hoped would deliver me from impending doom), and I slept, woken up by a sweet text around 8am from my cousin Tony and came fully awake at 10am, deciding if I slept more I would be more sad that I already was. I spent some time crying, wondering how the animals perceived my sobs, as one of the cats stopped napping to look at me in that only slightly startled way that cats have. I think Lily grew used to it. Chelsey called me and I talked to her until I had to get dressed and ready to leave.
Aunt Viv and Kyle were RIGHT on time picking me up at half twelve and I told them of the badness but quickly covered it up with the funny recounting of my alcohol purchase at 1am in my boxers. We headed to Panera, where Kyle brought over water and food and I was happy and distracted, laughing with family I hadn't seen in at least a month. We then ran some errands at Harding's and Kohl's, where I was made to hold my urine while I gave my opinion. Kyle and I sought childhood revenge by paging AV on the PA system. (She came right away). Finally we checked out and went to M-89 cinemas to see The Help with Aunt Viv's friend from work. I got a frozen mocha. We were late. The movie had already started when we walked in.
After the movie I was so cold that Kyle and I basked in the humidity outside while we all kind of chatted and I wondered if I was ready to go home. They invited me for dinner, Kyle insisted I come. I gave Mum the heads up and we just ran to Walgreen's and to check on Kyle's car before heading to their house.
By that point I was yawning a lot; the lack of sleep had caught up to me. I tried to help around the kitchen but I ended up calling my brother and talking to him for a few minutes before taking out some emotion by pounding the pork cutlets....several of them. Ellen rang me in the middle, so with one hand covered in drying meat fat, I again went to the porch and spoke to her and I just can't express how grateful I am for her friendship. How a simple offer can mean so much to me. It was good.
I came back in to wash my hands and then just basically sat at the table while chaos happened around me (the family) until we were ready to eat. It's always crazy to have casual dinners at my aunt's house but I fully appreciate that crazy. After dinner, Kyle drove me home and we talked a lot about relationships and it was meaningful to me. Steve was waiting up for me when I got home. He had bought me a tiny chocolate cake so Mum and he gave me a card, lit the candle and I made a wish, a half-hearted wish. Steve went to bed and I told Mum my woes, surprisingly keeping my composure. She took me to Applebees where I got a Raspberry martini thing and was carded but wished happy birthday by the waitress. We just chatted and enjoyed the time together watching the DJ play better music than metro, watching a man checking everyone else out, decided that this guy at the bar was gay with the man beside him and that he looked like a redheaded David Cook.
I came home to chat to some people and start the crying again, then finally got to talk to my best friend. He listened to me cry and what I had to say and made me feel better by just being the amazing person that he is. We made each other laugh, he used a simile about Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, he told me crazy storeis about his family. An hour and ten minutes later, with lots of our bases covered, and me feeling loads better about everything, we hung up. I took a shower and now I'm sitting in my room. My birthday was done eight minutes ago.
I am so thankful for the relationships in my life that bring me joy. Thank you for listening to me; thank you, best friend; thank you cousins. What Obi said about someone else is going to be true for me: I'm coming back hard.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
That Empty Ache
So, the last few weeks of the summer have not been short of minor drama blips that indicate bigger problems. I've had some disagreements with friends in which I've really tried to exhibit my decision to turn over a new leaf, meaning approaching these conflicts having thought through what I'm going to say, not just resorting to anger, basically being an adult. Has it worked? I don't know. I guess I feel a bit proud of myself for consciously making these steps but it's kind of left me feeling...sad or upset don't quite fit the bill. It's just that, in my opinion, if someone hurts one of their friends, even unintentionally, and they can come around to at least understanding where said friend is coming from even if they still don't see eye to eye, the offender should apologize. After all, they've hurt their friend's feelings. But alas, that isn't the case. And that sort of irks me. I mean, that's really all I can say. How hard is it to just say "I'm sorry"? Too hard, apparently.
Events as of late in my life have made it hard for me to trust people. I always feel better knowing I have at least one solid friend whom I can go to should I need to in a dire situation. It's difficult because sometimes I feel like I can only tell certain people certain things, and some people I feel like I've lost the ability to be honest with almost completely. And I'm talking about people who I've considered my good friends. Even things coming from the most innocent of places can be misconstrued in a bad way, and I find it sad to know that some people don't exactly have my back.
Bear with me being a little bit down on my life. I want to blame it on coming back home. No place is a complete fix, unfortunately. I want to just fast forward two years and have everything just a little more together. Anyway. I've been babysitting the past three days and that's been kind of a fun distraction. Today I taught Sean that if you salted a slug, it essentially melts and dies. Felt horrible but as his mum says, he's ten and thinks all that stuff is really interesting. Discovered I still got the basic volleyball skills, same shitty basketball skills, am a "city girl" cus bugs creep me out, and got made fun of for calling everything adorable. I was only there for two hours today and the rest of the day was kind of a rollercoaster. I didn't feel well for a lot of the day and then had the added anxiety of having only two weeks in which to schedule my tooth implant procedure. The first available date was on my birthday and there was no way in hell I was messing with that, so I'm getting the implant in on the 30th. It got more complicated because they need to do a post-op check-up about a week after, but I will be moving three days after the procedure! So, ended up having to schedule it for two weeks after, on a Tuesday (he's only available Tues, Wed, and Thurs), late afternoon. Going to have to skip maybe half an hour of class for Mum to come to A2 to pick me up, get home, appointment, then take 9:30 train back to Ann Arbor that night. Kind of messy.
But the day had an almost immediate turn for the better as my King's housing deposit was finally processed and I am rich! Haha. I have to give Mum some money and then I have other ideas on how to spend it but other than that, it just made me relieved in general. Then I finished Community and organized a lot of shit in my room and made curry. I am tired from getting up early this morning and have to get up early tomorrow morning as well. I am not feeling particularly optimistic at this point in time, so I'm not going to talk everything up. Life goes on as it always does, dragging me with it whether I like it or not and eventually (I guess talking it up a bit) I will feel better. It's only inevitable.
Events as of late in my life have made it hard for me to trust people. I always feel better knowing I have at least one solid friend whom I can go to should I need to in a dire situation. It's difficult because sometimes I feel like I can only tell certain people certain things, and some people I feel like I've lost the ability to be honest with almost completely. And I'm talking about people who I've considered my good friends. Even things coming from the most innocent of places can be misconstrued in a bad way, and I find it sad to know that some people don't exactly have my back.
Bear with me being a little bit down on my life. I want to blame it on coming back home. No place is a complete fix, unfortunately. I want to just fast forward two years and have everything just a little more together. Anyway. I've been babysitting the past three days and that's been kind of a fun distraction. Today I taught Sean that if you salted a slug, it essentially melts and dies. Felt horrible but as his mum says, he's ten and thinks all that stuff is really interesting. Discovered I still got the basic volleyball skills, same shitty basketball skills, am a "city girl" cus bugs creep me out, and got made fun of for calling everything adorable. I was only there for two hours today and the rest of the day was kind of a rollercoaster. I didn't feel well for a lot of the day and then had the added anxiety of having only two weeks in which to schedule my tooth implant procedure. The first available date was on my birthday and there was no way in hell I was messing with that, so I'm getting the implant in on the 30th. It got more complicated because they need to do a post-op check-up about a week after, but I will be moving three days after the procedure! So, ended up having to schedule it for two weeks after, on a Tuesday (he's only available Tues, Wed, and Thurs), late afternoon. Going to have to skip maybe half an hour of class for Mum to come to A2 to pick me up, get home, appointment, then take 9:30 train back to Ann Arbor that night. Kind of messy.
But the day had an almost immediate turn for the better as my King's housing deposit was finally processed and I am rich! Haha. I have to give Mum some money and then I have other ideas on how to spend it but other than that, it just made me relieved in general. Then I finished Community and organized a lot of shit in my room and made curry. I am tired from getting up early this morning and have to get up early tomorrow morning as well. I am not feeling particularly optimistic at this point in time, so I'm not going to talk everything up. Life goes on as it always does, dragging me with it whether I like it or not and eventually (I guess talking it up a bit) I will feel better. It's only inevitable.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Ann Arbs 2 (Quality Timesauce)
Friday night I spent some time with Meredith, watching Torchwood, sitting the dark. Then Ellen and I ended up walking to 710 to see what was up and only stayed there about 20 minutes before they went to a movie and Ellen and I stayed up late late talking into the night.
Saturday was really quality time day. Ellen went to work early so I met Claire and we walked around the farmer's market ogling the produce. We sat in Cafe Verde with some coffee and I picked her brain about co-op living roles and then we basically hashed life out again. It was really nice, especially because I feel that I connect better with people one on one. I was in the bathroom about to leave when Michelle rang me and told me she'd just come pick me up at the co-op. So I was waiting outside for her texting inappropro jokes to Meredith when I get this tap on the shoulder and it was Meredith! She stood chatting with me until Michelle drove by screaming ZIMZIM out the window. I ran to meet her and we stopped at Ellen's for me to feel like I would forget something and lo and behold, somehow left the bottoms to my swimsuit there. Got to Michelle's and chatted with her parents then we spent time trading off vacuuming the pool. Michelle made me a fab sandwich and I wore an extra swimsuit to pool it up. I swam while Michelle floated around on a thingy. More hashing out of life and loving each other a lot. It was super nice. We got out in order to pee and got some wine and of course when I was dragging the floaty back to its home, I knocked the empty wine glasses into the pool. Michelle saved one and I dived for the other but couldn't find it, so she had to get her hair wet and found it broken with only half the chip...sooo there's glass in her pool. I was way mellow due to sun, swimming and wine at that point.
She drove me back to Ellen's, where I showered and then cried over chopping an onion. Neale and Chris showed up for awkward family dinner, then You-Sun, and I was loopy and basically made too many inappropriate jokes and laughed til I cried and squeaked. A lethargy fell over the guests, mostly Neale and You-Sun, after dinner (and BROWNIE GOO), and they literally fell asleep in the living room as I awkwardly flitted about. Everyone took off kind of early, leaving Ellen and I to again sit and talk about life. I'm really not complaining at all because it was a really nice dynamic, and it basically became how I am at home, which was somehow comforting, Ellen reading me funny passages from her book, me doing sudoku.
On Sunday I went to Meredith's for scrambled eggs and a really good episode of Big Bang Theory, interspersed with yelling, laughing and lovely blueberry tea. And fun talk! I headed to Starbucks next for the handing over the of the RC Review binder and some insight from Jackie and Meg and general freakout that it's at my fingertips and I can do what I wish with it! I went home and ate lunch with Ellen and Anna came home. Anna later accompanied me out to coffee with Al. Rather, he bought Starbucks again and then I suggested we take a walk.
He took us to his office on Main St, like legit up into it, unlocking doors, which I felt kind of privileged about. Then we walked down Fourth, where we ran into Landon and his dad and where Al gave me an elephant. Nice surprise. We then continued down to see the outside of my house, Mock Trial house where the boys are living next year, and then circled back around to the diag, where we sat talking until Ellen and her friend joined us. Al had to continue moving house and the rest of us stood talking until we headed back to the apartment. I was exhausted by that point, all the walking around and had had a sore throat since Saturday night. Basically the rest of the day was spent making fun of Anna writing the longest e-mail in the world, general chatter, eating chocolate, etc. Then it was gonna be an early night, with me sleeping on the futon. Computer froze while I was facebook stalking, but I didn't let that deter me and went to bed having trouble sleeping.
I ended up sleeping til ten though, so it was good. We all spent time together at the table, then Ellen got coffee with me before I met Chris to see the house, which was cool! I think I know which room I want and it's pretty decent considering other student housing I've seen. He came back to Starbucks with me to collect Ellen and we hung about there for awhile before going back to the apartment. Once Chris left, I decided I was hungry so Ellen and I waited for Anna before going to Jerusalem Garden for lunner. Foodgasm. Then cupcakegasm. Then felt the need to walk it off, so Michelle brought me my iPod, which I had left at her house, and I walked to 710 with her to say goodbye to people and then went back. I was basically just chilling on facebook with Anna before the train. She walked me all the way to the station and it ended up being an hour late, but she stayed with me the whole time. I didn't get into Kalamazoo until 11, my cold having worsened on the way home making me miserable. Oh, and a screaming child behind me. We sat in Battle Creek for like ten minutes and I nearly had a tantrum. Came home, showered, unpacked, and pretty much just went to bed.
Today I babysat next door and discovered that teenagers are a bit hard to deal with, but that when they're my age, I think they might understand more. Also learned that kids can make fun of me saying everything is adorable. Ah well, it went ok. Hung out at home in my semi-cold-misery with T and need to go to bed early cus am babysitting again tomorrow. To do zumba or not to do zumba...? I think I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Saturday was really quality time day. Ellen went to work early so I met Claire and we walked around the farmer's market ogling the produce. We sat in Cafe Verde with some coffee and I picked her brain about co-op living roles and then we basically hashed life out again. It was really nice, especially because I feel that I connect better with people one on one. I was in the bathroom about to leave when Michelle rang me and told me she'd just come pick me up at the co-op. So I was waiting outside for her texting inappropro jokes to Meredith when I get this tap on the shoulder and it was Meredith! She stood chatting with me until Michelle drove by screaming ZIMZIM out the window. I ran to meet her and we stopped at Ellen's for me to feel like I would forget something and lo and behold, somehow left the bottoms to my swimsuit there. Got to Michelle's and chatted with her parents then we spent time trading off vacuuming the pool. Michelle made me a fab sandwich and I wore an extra swimsuit to pool it up. I swam while Michelle floated around on a thingy. More hashing out of life and loving each other a lot. It was super nice. We got out in order to pee and got some wine and of course when I was dragging the floaty back to its home, I knocked the empty wine glasses into the pool. Michelle saved one and I dived for the other but couldn't find it, so she had to get her hair wet and found it broken with only half the chip...sooo there's glass in her pool. I was way mellow due to sun, swimming and wine at that point.
She drove me back to Ellen's, where I showered and then cried over chopping an onion. Neale and Chris showed up for awkward family dinner, then You-Sun, and I was loopy and basically made too many inappropriate jokes and laughed til I cried and squeaked. A lethargy fell over the guests, mostly Neale and You-Sun, after dinner (and BROWNIE GOO), and they literally fell asleep in the living room as I awkwardly flitted about. Everyone took off kind of early, leaving Ellen and I to again sit and talk about life. I'm really not complaining at all because it was a really nice dynamic, and it basically became how I am at home, which was somehow comforting, Ellen reading me funny passages from her book, me doing sudoku.
On Sunday I went to Meredith's for scrambled eggs and a really good episode of Big Bang Theory, interspersed with yelling, laughing and lovely blueberry tea. And fun talk! I headed to Starbucks next for the handing over the of the RC Review binder and some insight from Jackie and Meg and general freakout that it's at my fingertips and I can do what I wish with it! I went home and ate lunch with Ellen and Anna came home. Anna later accompanied me out to coffee with Al. Rather, he bought Starbucks again and then I suggested we take a walk.
He took us to his office on Main St, like legit up into it, unlocking doors, which I felt kind of privileged about. Then we walked down Fourth, where we ran into Landon and his dad and where Al gave me an elephant. Nice surprise. We then continued down to see the outside of my house, Mock Trial house where the boys are living next year, and then circled back around to the diag, where we sat talking until Ellen and her friend joined us. Al had to continue moving house and the rest of us stood talking until we headed back to the apartment. I was exhausted by that point, all the walking around and had had a sore throat since Saturday night. Basically the rest of the day was spent making fun of Anna writing the longest e-mail in the world, general chatter, eating chocolate, etc. Then it was gonna be an early night, with me sleeping on the futon. Computer froze while I was facebook stalking, but I didn't let that deter me and went to bed having trouble sleeping.
I ended up sleeping til ten though, so it was good. We all spent time together at the table, then Ellen got coffee with me before I met Chris to see the house, which was cool! I think I know which room I want and it's pretty decent considering other student housing I've seen. He came back to Starbucks with me to collect Ellen and we hung about there for awhile before going back to the apartment. Once Chris left, I decided I was hungry so Ellen and I waited for Anna before going to Jerusalem Garden for lunner. Foodgasm. Then cupcakegasm. Then felt the need to walk it off, so Michelle brought me my iPod, which I had left at her house, and I walked to 710 with her to say goodbye to people and then went back. I was basically just chilling on facebook with Anna before the train. She walked me all the way to the station and it ended up being an hour late, but she stayed with me the whole time. I didn't get into Kalamazoo until 11, my cold having worsened on the way home making me miserable. Oh, and a screaming child behind me. We sat in Battle Creek for like ten minutes and I nearly had a tantrum. Came home, showered, unpacked, and pretty much just went to bed.
Today I babysat next door and discovered that teenagers are a bit hard to deal with, but that when they're my age, I think they might understand more. Also learned that kids can make fun of me saying everything is adorable. Ah well, it went ok. Hung out at home in my semi-cold-misery with T and need to go to bed early cus am babysitting again tomorrow. To do zumba or not to do zumba...? I think I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Ann Arbs 1
So yesterday I made my journey to Ann Arbor for the first time in 11 months. Last time I was here was about a week before I left for London. The train has been undergoing some major delays and it didn't arrive in Ann Arbor until an hour and forty-five minutes after it was scheduled. I sweated my way up the hill feeling a bit out of place, noting the things that have changed since the last time I was here. I got to Ellen's place and met her and just kind of plopped for about an hour, chatting. Then I walked with Ellen most of the way to her class and sat in the diag reading SEX AT DAWN, which I got from the library that morning. Texting Rachel, who was making a stop in Ann Arbor to see me as she came back from the Planned Parenthood Conference in Lansing.
I swear, it was like a romantic movie. Spotted Rachel and as soon as we made eye contact she broke into a run and I dropped my book and met her and we hugged a long time and it was beautiful and wondrous and magical. We sat in the diag just happy to be together, and we commented that it didn't seem like it had been so long at all. Talked about my crying and Rachel was like, "You're just living so hard!" Makes me love her all the more. So we wandered up State St in search of food and ended up eating at this Egyptian/Middle Eastern restaurant that apparently just opened the day before. FALAFEL. And Rachel love. And me just feeling fatigued as shit. I then texted Chris, who met us at Amer's and we just giggled and had a good time and I felt like there was no way I was going to make it without crashing before 10pm. We went back to the diag to sit cus we had been under an air vent which was freeeeezing. Rachel and I went to Open Floor early early, mostly because I was super excited about seeing everyone. Claire was on the porch with some people and sat inside with us.
Went in and there was none other than Michelle Weiss arranging microphones. Epic London love. Dear god. Looking phenom. And saw Sara and Jessica and You-Sun and it was just happy. So basically sat around while they practiced and then Rachel had to go so I kind of wandered about talking to people and then people were showing up so they decided to start.
What a coming and going of people, random breaks between "sets", lights going off and on to promote socialization. So much gossip and drama catch up. So much interbreeding drama. No one is without a clean slate. Chris shoving a glass of wine into my hands, Michelle claiming I wasn't drunk enough and making me take sips of hers. Some really good music acts!! I texted Neale who called me and said he was getting Wendy's and would be right over, and when he came in he kind of poked his head around the door and I flipped a shit and jumped at him to give him the biggest hug ever. It was the best. Just sat kiddy corner to him while he stuffed his mouth with a quad burger and kept accidentally dragging my finger through his free cupcake.
I later met his girlfriend Laura, who is really nice, and I was taken aback because she was like, "Oh yeah, I met your parents." I forgot they had gone to Theo's recital and met them there. It was probably about midnight before it really occurred to people that I hadn't read yet. So I was pressured up there and was so nervous my legs were literally shaking and I swear, I was like, just calm enough that they didn't buckle. Got some whoops and was making to leave shortly after that when they were like, "Thought you were reading two pieces!!" So I went back up and read the more explicit one and it was good. Michelle was drunk and just kept screaming. At one point this guy had gone up and plucked a song on his viola and he was like, "You may know this song." It ended up being "Because I Got High" and Michelle was in the hallway and all of a sudden burst in the room yelling out the words. Hilarious.
Ellen and I left about 12:30 and I took the most glorious shower. Then I stayed up til 2 online and slept in Anna's wonderful bed until nearly 11 this morning. That meant grocery shopping was off the table so I left with Anna and Martha on my way to my job interview, which I got by the way. 10 hours/week at ILL. Michelle took her break and we got lunch at Pancheros, where the guy spoke at me in Spanish and I did my best to hold my own. Mmmmm burrito. We headed to a table outside the Ugli and talked until she had to go back to work. Love her. I came back to Ellen's and talked to her and Martha for over an hour. Was really good. Ellen and I have just come back from grocery shopping and I've spent too much money. Nearly all my money :( But I think we might be set, just have a few coffee dates yet. Oh, another thought that I wanted to address is that when Ellen and I were walking home last night we were talking about Ann Arbor and belonging and stuff and I just think that I don't REALLY feel it here, and while it's nice and everything, I am ready to leave. I think next year could be fun and doable, but then I'm peacing out.
I swear, it was like a romantic movie. Spotted Rachel and as soon as we made eye contact she broke into a run and I dropped my book and met her and we hugged a long time and it was beautiful and wondrous and magical. We sat in the diag just happy to be together, and we commented that it didn't seem like it had been so long at all. Talked about my crying and Rachel was like, "You're just living so hard!" Makes me love her all the more. So we wandered up State St in search of food and ended up eating at this Egyptian/Middle Eastern restaurant that apparently just opened the day before. FALAFEL. And Rachel love. And me just feeling fatigued as shit. I then texted Chris, who met us at Amer's and we just giggled and had a good time and I felt like there was no way I was going to make it without crashing before 10pm. We went back to the diag to sit cus we had been under an air vent which was freeeeezing. Rachel and I went to Open Floor early early, mostly because I was super excited about seeing everyone. Claire was on the porch with some people and sat inside with us.
Went in and there was none other than Michelle Weiss arranging microphones. Epic London love. Dear god. Looking phenom. And saw Sara and Jessica and You-Sun and it was just happy. So basically sat around while they practiced and then Rachel had to go so I kind of wandered about talking to people and then people were showing up so they decided to start.
What a coming and going of people, random breaks between "sets", lights going off and on to promote socialization. So much gossip and drama catch up. So much interbreeding drama. No one is without a clean slate. Chris shoving a glass of wine into my hands, Michelle claiming I wasn't drunk enough and making me take sips of hers. Some really good music acts!! I texted Neale who called me and said he was getting Wendy's and would be right over, and when he came in he kind of poked his head around the door and I flipped a shit and jumped at him to give him the biggest hug ever. It was the best. Just sat kiddy corner to him while he stuffed his mouth with a quad burger and kept accidentally dragging my finger through his free cupcake.
I later met his girlfriend Laura, who is really nice, and I was taken aback because she was like, "Oh yeah, I met your parents." I forgot they had gone to Theo's recital and met them there. It was probably about midnight before it really occurred to people that I hadn't read yet. So I was pressured up there and was so nervous my legs were literally shaking and I swear, I was like, just calm enough that they didn't buckle. Got some whoops and was making to leave shortly after that when they were like, "Thought you were reading two pieces!!" So I went back up and read the more explicit one and it was good. Michelle was drunk and just kept screaming. At one point this guy had gone up and plucked a song on his viola and he was like, "You may know this song." It ended up being "Because I Got High" and Michelle was in the hallway and all of a sudden burst in the room yelling out the words. Hilarious.
Ellen and I left about 12:30 and I took the most glorious shower. Then I stayed up til 2 online and slept in Anna's wonderful bed until nearly 11 this morning. That meant grocery shopping was off the table so I left with Anna and Martha on my way to my job interview, which I got by the way. 10 hours/week at ILL. Michelle took her break and we got lunch at Pancheros, where the guy spoke at me in Spanish and I did my best to hold my own. Mmmmm burrito. We headed to a table outside the Ugli and talked until she had to go back to work. Love her. I came back to Ellen's and talked to her and Martha for over an hour. Was really good. Ellen and I have just come back from grocery shopping and I've spent too much money. Nearly all my money :( But I think we might be set, just have a few coffee dates yet. Oh, another thought that I wanted to address is that when Ellen and I were walking home last night we were talking about Ann Arbor and belonging and stuff and I just think that I don't REALLY feel it here, and while it's nice and everything, I am ready to leave. I think next year could be fun and doable, but then I'm peacing out.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Vague Sense of Shambles
I didn't cry today (cheeky). Maybe it's because I get texts like: "Mami you be lookin all good n stuff. What is your secret? Lol" Maybe it's because Obi and Devin came over and we put temporary tattoos on. Obi's was a really trife looking dragon outlined in gold that looked BEAUTIFUL against his dark chocolate skin. And he's a flatterer. Maybe it's because I read a lot and finished Lover Unleashed and am again excited about books. Maybe it's because I'm excited about Ann Arbor. Maybe it's because I get to see Violet tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish my life were a movie. Then this rut would just be the low point of ultimate dramatic tension that would lead to everything working out. But I'm too young for it to be perfect just now, and I wouldn't want it to be because the journey to get to that point will make life that much sweeter and everyone that much stronger. I've been listening to Savage Lovecasts a lot more recently and remembering more advice and outlooks on life, and while I don't agree with everything, it still makes me think and kind of consider what I believe for myself. And the things I do agree with are the things for which I want to have hope.
Sometimes I wish my life were a movie. Then this rut would just be the low point of ultimate dramatic tension that would lead to everything working out. But I'm too young for it to be perfect just now, and I wouldn't want it to be because the journey to get to that point will make life that much sweeter and everyone that much stronger. I've been listening to Savage Lovecasts a lot more recently and remembering more advice and outlooks on life, and while I don't agree with everything, it still makes me think and kind of consider what I believe for myself. And the things I do agree with are the things for which I want to have hope.
Monday, August 8, 2011
24 hours OR Rapid Turn Around in a Week
Another night with not much sleep promised. Another crisis averted, sir. A clove cigarette shared between friends, an agreement reached. Too bad<->too late, but timing is important. Regrets mellowed, happiness piqued in a moment.
I went next door to drop off the check for mowing the lawn. Found Kelly and Damon in their garage on camper chairs. The power was out in our neighborhood, so, according to Kelly, they were being "hillbillies" and sitting in their garage cus it was cool. Damon was on the phone but told them to hold while he chatted a bit and Kelly was just messing about on her iPhone, telling me the kids were inside. It wasn't until I walked away and had it sink in that there was just this ease about them. Their chairs faced each other, her feet rested near his chair. I could tell that they were friends, hanging out, joy and comfort in each others' company. That's what I want.
I can hope.
I went next door to drop off the check for mowing the lawn. Found Kelly and Damon in their garage on camper chairs. The power was out in our neighborhood, so, according to Kelly, they were being "hillbillies" and sitting in their garage cus it was cool. Damon was on the phone but told them to hold while he chatted a bit and Kelly was just messing about on her iPhone, telling me the kids were inside. It wasn't until I walked away and had it sink in that there was just this ease about them. Their chairs faced each other, her feet rested near his chair. I could tell that they were friends, hanging out, joy and comfort in each others' company. That's what I want.
I can hope.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Ratata!
Yesterday was a weird day. I was out all morning. Orthodontist says I don't need braces again and to stop chewing gum so much, get an implant. Killed forty minutes at Barnes and Noble, mostly in the Sexuality section looking for Sex at Dawn. All the books there are bright pink and are like SEX and ORGASM...a little intense for like 9:30AM. But then I found the book staring me in the face and I wanted to get it so badly but it was still gonna be like $14 with discount, so I decided to wait until birthday or to see if I could get it cheaper through Kazoo Books. Eventually met Ben at Panera and we went to Target and I tried to help him get job clothes which was a little demanding. Then on my way home, I was literally just around the corner from my house, this guy pulled out in front of me on Drake. He had hesitated then just WENT and I had to brake really hard but still hit him. He raised his hand at me like it was my fault and then drove off. It was more than a bumper tap but I didn't think there was damage so I was just shocked and drove home, shaking and trying not to cry. Came in the house, deposited Mum's souffle with her and just started crying. Nothing was wrong with the car but I was just in shock at how dickish the guy was. I was telling myself that driving isn't just bumper cars but I was totally not at fault. Sucked.
The AT&T guy came and gave us a new internet box which new wireless network and passkey. Took me several attempts to connect and I could only do so when computer was just right next to box. It kicked me off if I left the room. Half an hour with tech support on the phone, basically the guy said he was trying to strengthen our signal but all he did was tell me how to connect to the network, which I knew how to do and sometimes the thing wasn't even recognizing our network at all. So we had to request a tech guy to come out again, which isn't happening until tomorrow. I can access the internet if I'm in the office with the box, as I am now, but it's still kind of slow. Just overall frustrating.
Today was kind of super lazy. Laid around all morning, pretty much most of afternoon. Brandon called though and we caught up and are supposed to meet up soon. I read a lot of Lover Unleashed though I've decided I like Karen Moning more. I worked out by myself and felt rushed but it felt good to come home and shower. We went to Target and walked around for at least an hour and I got Mum a birthday card. Exhausted, we fell to the couch to watch Sex and the City, me raging at Carrie's stupidity, the way guys can be great sometimes, dicks the next. Left that room happy and just watched a TON of Psych montages on youtube that still make me laugh out loud. I feel happy still. Shit is together. Gotta figure out what the birthday plans are for the weekend and hopefully buying tickets to Ann Arbor tomorrow. Please, please KCL give me my security deposit!! xx
The AT&T guy came and gave us a new internet box which new wireless network and passkey. Took me several attempts to connect and I could only do so when computer was just right next to box. It kicked me off if I left the room. Half an hour with tech support on the phone, basically the guy said he was trying to strengthen our signal but all he did was tell me how to connect to the network, which I knew how to do and sometimes the thing wasn't even recognizing our network at all. So we had to request a tech guy to come out again, which isn't happening until tomorrow. I can access the internet if I'm in the office with the box, as I am now, but it's still kind of slow. Just overall frustrating.
Today was kind of super lazy. Laid around all morning, pretty much most of afternoon. Brandon called though and we caught up and are supposed to meet up soon. I read a lot of Lover Unleashed though I've decided I like Karen Moning more. I worked out by myself and felt rushed but it felt good to come home and shower. We went to Target and walked around for at least an hour and I got Mum a birthday card. Exhausted, we fell to the couch to watch Sex and the City, me raging at Carrie's stupidity, the way guys can be great sometimes, dicks the next. Left that room happy and just watched a TON of Psych montages on youtube that still make me laugh out loud. I feel happy still. Shit is together. Gotta figure out what the birthday plans are for the weekend and hopefully buying tickets to Ann Arbor tomorrow. Please, please KCL give me my security deposit!! xx
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
holy mood swings, batman!
Two and a half hours of sleep is not conducive to a good disposition. Stormy nights, however, are lovely. Crying isn't, at least, sad tears aren't. You can't really beat comfort, being not sweaty, including no sweaty feet, stomach, underarms. Feeling clean, being enveloped with the warm and arms and feeling slightly carefree and giggly.You can beat the slight crash afterwards or the feeling of lack of power or control.
Meredith visited this morning. Amtrak is fucked lately, so her train was an hour behind, and at 11am, I had had only a nutrigrain bar and some water so we headed straight for Crow's Nest (YUM) and I had COFFEE and another Nest scramble. And we compared notes on London and life. And stuffed ourselves. We went home and watched Simon Amstell's Do Nothing Live in Dublin. While good, I think I was over the message a little bit because I had been thinking about it: "It can just be fun, it can just be fun" and while I wanted to follow that advice I know that it doesn't apply to me. But there were some great quotes. We attempted to watch Torchwood but the dvd player wasn't having it so we ended up talking for like forty minutes before staking it out at the train station for almost an hour. Basically, I saw a man's shit get stolen right in front of him this morning. He chased the robber and later returned with his bag. Then a man was laid on a bench in the station with his head in the lap of a girl who was grooming his hair somehow and they were taken out by a police officer who apparently charged them with trespassing or something. It was being around trains and thinking about the times I went back to Ann Arbor holding back tears and not wanting to think about the now three hours it takes to get there that made me depressed. I walked back to the car, feeling the emptiness. It doesn't help that Steve is gone on a fishing trip so the house was empty.
I left for Mum/the gym and she was extremely late, stressing me out because I was going to zumba. Our regular teacher is on vaca so I grabbed a spot five minutes after class started (one of my BIGGEST pet peeves) and wondered if I was in the wrong class. I decided that I would stay only half an hour because I didn't like it, but then I got used to the teacher's style and found it pleasing. She was wearing belly dancer hip bell skirt thing and had a microphone into which she shouted the moves, moving through the class and yelling along with lyrics like freaking PITBULL. She was in her mid-40s probably. I still admired the way she could move her hips, etc. And I hoped that when I'm that age, I could keep up. So it was really fun! A lot more focused on actual sort of dance moves. I let go a little bit, just a little. Then Mum made me wait and I was just annoyed and tired so I went to the car and found it hard not to cry, though I didn't right away.
Of course as soon as Mum got in the car Obi called and as soon as he asked me how I was, I had to take a few seconds to compose my voice before cracking out "doing ok" and then promptly letting tears run down my cheeks as I told him I didn't want to talk about it yet and he talked to me. When we got home, I talked ot him in my room and I don't know what I would do without him. Like little pick me up phone calls, like, "Don't cry, girl, you strong" sort of stuff. What would I do without Rachel's endless positivity? When I reach out with love she reaches right back and I can hear her voice in a text and it's so honest. So I only let composure slip a little bit to Obi because I know what I need to do and I know what's going on and I make decisions for myself. He can listen to me. Later on, I turned to Mum and was like, "Can I have a hug?" and just started crying again, not even really knowing what was going on. I'm crying now. Jesus. I am on my period...and again, two-three hours' sleep is not happy-making. I also hate early morning engagements and unfortunately, I have to get up before 8am tomorrow for a retainer checkup. I need to take better care of myself. I don't want the past to be negated even if some of it was bad. It still happened and helps us to be who we are and there were good times, too, and those should be emphasized.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
oh super duper every day blogger!
Oh joy! Oh the excitement of writing (when inspired)! I may not have done much today or the last few, but I rattled off a quick erotic paragraph that had been swimming around my head and scribbled a like two-three sentence idea that hit me before I went to bed the last few nights. That last one came out shit when I actually went to write it but I might work on it if I feel emo enough or just more inspired to make it sound as pretty and resounding as it does in my head. But the first one was good first time around, as usual came easily because I let it simmer until I knew pretty much exactly what I wanted to say. Ah, it just feels so good to have something and to get it out. I almost wrote "get it all out" but it's never really ALL out for me, is it?
Re: other writing things, I am making goals for myself to do daily to get these things done. Kind of reminds me of essay writing times which is slightly unpleasant but there's really nothing like a deadline and a plan to get me going.
Again, I am relatively content.
Re: other writing things, I am making goals for myself to do daily to get these things done. Kind of reminds me of essay writing times which is slightly unpleasant but there's really nothing like a deadline and a plan to get me going.
Again, I am relatively content.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Did I imagine it would be like this?
Lesson #1: No matter who you're dealing with, never be too eager to share implements of yourself. It cheapens the things that are important to you.
I had the sandhill climbing dream again yesterday. It had been awhile and it always has the same people in it. Basically there is this giant WALL of sand and it's very tall and people climb it for fun. It gets very steep and I have a fear of heights that plays upon me in the dream because literally I'm just climbing it with my limbs and am not held up by anything. I was thinking about this a bit ago and I realized I could take from it a metaphor for my life--cus basically it gets terrifying and I slipped a lot in the dream but dug in with my hands down to my fingernails, feeling them getting filled with sand. Life is fucking hard, and I slip down that slope sometimes but I just gotta dig in like a motherfucker, claw my way into staying on that slope. Cus in the dream, I made it to the top, and it was a small ledge and I could only blurrily look down it was so steep, but I had a great feeling of accomplishment for making it that far. Just some thoughts.
And basically, I'm going to be good no matter what happens. I will be happy because I deserve to be. To use Cazwell's words I can't be and I won't be stopped. I will do what I gotta do because I'm strong and an amazing person. I will make it through whatever obstacles present themselves. I have the tools already. I can do it.
I had the sandhill climbing dream again yesterday. It had been awhile and it always has the same people in it. Basically there is this giant WALL of sand and it's very tall and people climb it for fun. It gets very steep and I have a fear of heights that plays upon me in the dream because literally I'm just climbing it with my limbs and am not held up by anything. I was thinking about this a bit ago and I realized I could take from it a metaphor for my life--cus basically it gets terrifying and I slipped a lot in the dream but dug in with my hands down to my fingernails, feeling them getting filled with sand. Life is fucking hard, and I slip down that slope sometimes but I just gotta dig in like a motherfucker, claw my way into staying on that slope. Cus in the dream, I made it to the top, and it was a small ledge and I could only blurrily look down it was so steep, but I had a great feeling of accomplishment for making it that far. Just some thoughts.
And basically, I'm going to be good no matter what happens. I will be happy because I deserve to be. To use Cazwell's words I can't be and I won't be stopped. I will do what I gotta do because I'm strong and an amazing person. I will make it through whatever obstacles present themselves. I have the tools already. I can do it.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
The Hap-sauce
The Great Friend Gathering of 2011 was a great success. I feel....fulfilled today. I am amazed at the wisdom everyone shared with me and how they help to probe my thinking, making me consider different viewpoints and future goals. I'm lucky, I really am.
Morning with Ellenbean.
Day spent with nuclear family, more inappropriate jokes, stressful grocery shopping.
Oh the pain of a hurting hip/uterus.
Episodes of Pysch/Improv-a-ganza and the perfect turkey sandwich.
Reunion with Obineche.
Christopher Paul.
Horrible waitress, but jamalaming tunes (in the beginning).
Ending the day talking to Rachel.
Feel ready. Feel full of love.
Morning with Ellenbean.
Day spent with nuclear family, more inappropriate jokes, stressful grocery shopping.
Oh the pain of a hurting hip/uterus.
Episodes of Pysch/Improv-a-ganza and the perfect turkey sandwich.
Reunion with Obineche.
Christopher Paul.
Horrible waitress, but jamalaming tunes (in the beginning).
Ending the day talking to Rachel.
Feel ready. Feel full of love.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I turned my body's functions/I remembered
I'm really going through one of those phases where I feel I'm losing my mind. Too much stuff happening in my head. I feel overwhelmed and can't sleep. I keep finding things I want to scribble in my journal cus I think they sound smart or that they resound with me in the moment. I want to show off. Last night I woke up before 4AM with intense daydream type things happening in my head and couldn't fall back asleep. And I keep waking up and keeping my eyes closed hoping it's not too early and am still disappointed when I find it's noon or just past ten or whatever. I narrowed down who I would go to for advice but I can pretty much guess what everyone is going to tell me and I will probably go against it anyway because I'm stupid. I think I know what I'm doing but I lie to myself and say that I don't. I flip flop quite passionately. I wasn't ready. Routine right now feels constricting. I want out--new scenery, for a short time. I really need to cry. Three nights ago, Obi danced for me and made me laugh til I cried, which I have to say is the best way to get it out if you need to get it out.
I guess we turned off the tv long enough to make it to Marshall's and bought three mugs. Shopping for certain items is really like therapy sometimes. Holding them in our hands, imagining it's cold enough outside to have a comforting cup of tea. God, I want to live in the world of Miranda, where basically if there's down time, cup of tea. If you're a bit chilled, cup of tea. If you want something to hold in your hands for comfort, cup of tea. It is the ultimate symbol of calm, even if it's not poncy herbal shit and is just Sainsbury's black tea with real sugar and a dash of milk. (I told someone watching Miranda is like curling up with a blanket on a chilly day, holding a cup of tea of course, as Stevie frequently is sipping a rather lovely cup.) I swear, between Mum and I, we could cycle through mug moods every year or so.
I started one of the essays for a writing contest this afternoon. I finally had a tiny idea so I just did word vomit on the page to start and get something down. The only drawback was that the idea I had was kind of painful to write on and I had that lump in my throat that announced my need to cry and it was too bothersome to deal with so I had to quit writing and start watching videos that would instead make me feel better. Cue watching like fifteen minutes of David Mitchell's freak outs on various quiz shows. Ha.
Ok, E, you got this, really. You baked muffins this morning, have grilled twice this week (rather amazing things! though I lost lots of chicken to the grill and shrimp to the floor :P). Sorry, I can't keep pep talking myself in blog form necessarily...it gets a bit cheesy. Ok, a good cry, someone else's love story, and a grand reunion are all in the immediate future. Things will look up and clear up and I will continue on because I am strong. I told myself that earlier without feeling cheesy. I have come a long way.
I guess we turned off the tv long enough to make it to Marshall's and bought three mugs. Shopping for certain items is really like therapy sometimes. Holding them in our hands, imagining it's cold enough outside to have a comforting cup of tea. God, I want to live in the world of Miranda, where basically if there's down time, cup of tea. If you're a bit chilled, cup of tea. If you want something to hold in your hands for comfort, cup of tea. It is the ultimate symbol of calm, even if it's not poncy herbal shit and is just Sainsbury's black tea with real sugar and a dash of milk. (I told someone watching Miranda is like curling up with a blanket on a chilly day, holding a cup of tea of course, as Stevie frequently is sipping a rather lovely cup.) I swear, between Mum and I, we could cycle through mug moods every year or so.
I started one of the essays for a writing contest this afternoon. I finally had a tiny idea so I just did word vomit on the page to start and get something down. The only drawback was that the idea I had was kind of painful to write on and I had that lump in my throat that announced my need to cry and it was too bothersome to deal with so I had to quit writing and start watching videos that would instead make me feel better. Cue watching like fifteen minutes of David Mitchell's freak outs on various quiz shows. Ha.
Ok, E, you got this, really. You baked muffins this morning, have grilled twice this week (rather amazing things! though I lost lots of chicken to the grill and shrimp to the floor :P). Sorry, I can't keep pep talking myself in blog form necessarily...it gets a bit cheesy. Ok, a good cry, someone else's love story, and a grand reunion are all in the immediate future. Things will look up and clear up and I will continue on because I am strong. I told myself that earlier without feeling cheesy. I have come a long way.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Time (of my life????)
Time for the Great Friend Gathering of 2011 (the first one of all time).
Time to do for ME. Truly for me.
Time to do for ME. Truly for me.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Spine-cracking good timez???
I quit my job officially. Turned my stuff in today, rather less painful than I thought it'd be, as I already talked to my manager. He said people normally just stop showing up and that I was the first person who actually called to talk to him personally, which he really appreciated. I feel like he should be running his own stuff; what a good guy. Anyway, that (week) chapter of my life is now closed and I am back to being somewhat blissfully broke. Writing competitions now. Prove my worth. I made deals with myself, pleading, in the car on Saturday that I would do anything, any competition, writing every day, etc. in order to not do it. What a wuss I can be, but it's ok. (I can be strong, too.) Lot of reading each day, am almost done with Shadowfever. Am almost ready to stand up for myself. Been scribbling odd notes in my journal in fits of craziness. Think I'm a bit odd because I find permanent markers powerful. Y'all with me? Anywho. I was talking to Michelle yesterday I realized how much she inspired me to cook while we were in England together. I was putting more recipes in my binder this afternoon and kind of thought back over what I've made and the pride I feel at just get better at timing, etc. while I cook. I made homemade broccoli soup, pesto, various chicken dishes. Feels good.
On Friday night I called my cousin because of a disturbing facebook status about another relative in the hospital and found out it was my uncle with MRSA, which has been in his system for two months and subsequently is affecting his heart valve. And every other little thing has gone wrong apparently on that family vacation, which makes me really feel for my aunt, who has had a lot to deal with the past few years. Problems with the RV, etc. clouding life up. I spoke to Kyle for a few minutes after Aunt Viv, the former saying how they put the sleeping bag on the roof of the RV to let the sun bake off any infection. He painted a humorous picture of them getting the bags down again with their axe, etc. and I told him that someday we'll have to write a book chronicling the mishaps and crazy things that happen in our family. Sigh. I wonder what this means for epic American bbq. Man, I just hope we're able to all be together as a family because over the past year especially I've realized how much family means to me and though we're all crazy and weird and annoying at times, you can't beat that time together. Fulfilling the prophecy that night for the "new tradition" Christmas dinner; making dirty jokes; playing Catch phrase, the writing game (Omi reading, "Damn, shawty!"), A to Z, UNICORNS; learning that no one I have ever met in my life can shop like Aunt Viv; Cameron's crazy quotes; etc. Sorry, drifted down memory lane there...
Met up with Patty again yesterday with Hank and Elena in tow. Hadn't seen Hank in probably a year and he's gotten so big. It's weird that I've known him since he was 3 and I think he's pushing 8 now. I wasn't really "Wissa" anymore. That was a nice, if muggy, catch up, and then I did major grocery shopping with Mum. Am really preparing myself for living on my own because am becoming coupon and sale goddess of the aisles. So much mac and cheese, dear god. Ha. Ripped up another rotisserie chicken for quesadillas. Disturbing to see a spine.
4/6 days til Obineche. ~2 weeks til Ann Arbor??? 6-7 til I move back...am content.
On Friday night I called my cousin because of a disturbing facebook status about another relative in the hospital and found out it was my uncle with MRSA, which has been in his system for two months and subsequently is affecting his heart valve. And every other little thing has gone wrong apparently on that family vacation, which makes me really feel for my aunt, who has had a lot to deal with the past few years. Problems with the RV, etc. clouding life up. I spoke to Kyle for a few minutes after Aunt Viv, the former saying how they put the sleeping bag on the roof of the RV to let the sun bake off any infection. He painted a humorous picture of them getting the bags down again with their axe, etc. and I told him that someday we'll have to write a book chronicling the mishaps and crazy things that happen in our family. Sigh. I wonder what this means for epic American bbq. Man, I just hope we're able to all be together as a family because over the past year especially I've realized how much family means to me and though we're all crazy and weird and annoying at times, you can't beat that time together. Fulfilling the prophecy that night for the "new tradition" Christmas dinner; making dirty jokes; playing Catch phrase, the writing game (Omi reading, "Damn, shawty!"), A to Z, UNICORNS; learning that no one I have ever met in my life can shop like Aunt Viv; Cameron's crazy quotes; etc. Sorry, drifted down memory lane there...
Met up with Patty again yesterday with Hank and Elena in tow. Hadn't seen Hank in probably a year and he's gotten so big. It's weird that I've known him since he was 3 and I think he's pushing 8 now. I wasn't really "Wissa" anymore. That was a nice, if muggy, catch up, and then I did major grocery shopping with Mum. Am really preparing myself for living on my own because am becoming coupon and sale goddess of the aisles. So much mac and cheese, dear god. Ha. Ripped up another rotisserie chicken for quesadillas. Disturbing to see a spine.
4/6 days til Obineche. ~2 weeks til Ann Arbor??? 6-7 til I move back...am content.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"And I thought, really, what is the point of being alive?"
Miranda has saved my day. Never mind that I'm watching it sort of out of order. Or that I cut up my legs today and realized how badly indeed I skinned my leg last weekend.
It's so bloody hot outside. People almost bought from me today. Almost.
I made a brilliant dinner tonight and didn't panic about timing. And it was DELICIOUS.
But really, the most important question is: What is the point of reading another 500 pages that don't have Jerricho Barrons on them?
It's so bloody hot outside. People almost bought from me today. Almost.
I made a brilliant dinner tonight and didn't panic about timing. And it was DELICIOUS.
But really, the most important question is: What is the point of reading another 500 pages that don't have Jerricho Barrons on them?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I marinate chicken at 10:30 at night
I did that on Sunday night. And then I had a job interview and got a job on Monday. And then I worried about the effect it would have on my "routine" (i.e. if, when the library notifies me, I would have enough time to get there to pick up Shadowfever and read it in one [or two] long, luxurious sittings. Sigh.
The heat wave here in the midwest is killing me (softly with his song). Heat index of up to 109 today (that's about 42C for those abroad). Yeah, so I started work today out in that heat. Miscommunication meant I missed the team, basically was briefed by the hardcore manager (I wanted the lax college ones but oh well, this guy takes care), and then was told to just go out and practice in my neighborhood. I did back into Marshal's area and it took me like 50 min and by the end...the sweat...it was horrible. Went home to the AC and just plopped on the couch for three hours until Ben got here. Dreaded going out again cus my manager called and asked how it was and I knew I couldn't just give up, so I went out again for another 45 min and just drenched and made no sales and came home. Somehow I scraped myself together to get to zumba. I basically didn't stop drinking water cus I didn't want to have a heat stroke/exhaustion. I made it through zumba with more sweat and the AC in the car lasted about two minutes and then it was like a sauna and I powered home to take one cold ass shower. Youtubes videos and Ben stealing my computer since.
Yesterday was all about Harry Potter. Watched part 1 in the afternoon around doing laundry and other chores and then went to see it with Devin, who sobbed softly through the latter half as I nudged tissues at her and tried not to laugh. I also brought like a third of a bag of fruit loops and ate the sugary dust at the bottom like some people take drugs--lick finger and stick into dust and eat. Lol. Anyway, Blah blah, end of my childhood. Thoroughly underwhelmed and thinking back, the books were fun to read but never really made a lasting impact on me. Laughed out loud at Ron as a parent/adult. Saw familarity in him though, which was...comforting.
I was really, really happy Monday. I think once the heat dies down and I change neighborhoods it will be better (and once I figure out a routine...I don't care how OCD people think I am, I just FUNCTION better with a set plan that is somewhat regulated. But, if I'm not making progress by the end of the first week or week and a half, I might quit because there's no point going out nearly every day in heat, etc. to not make money. Especially when I could be spending the day in AC, sitting on the couch, reading and being relatively happy with my situation. And perhaps working towards the future.
The heat wave here in the midwest is killing me (softly with his song). Heat index of up to 109 today (that's about 42C for those abroad). Yeah, so I started work today out in that heat. Miscommunication meant I missed the team, basically was briefed by the hardcore manager (I wanted the lax college ones but oh well, this guy takes care), and then was told to just go out and practice in my neighborhood. I did back into Marshal's area and it took me like 50 min and by the end...the sweat...it was horrible. Went home to the AC and just plopped on the couch for three hours until Ben got here. Dreaded going out again cus my manager called and asked how it was and I knew I couldn't just give up, so I went out again for another 45 min and just drenched and made no sales and came home. Somehow I scraped myself together to get to zumba. I basically didn't stop drinking water cus I didn't want to have a heat stroke/exhaustion. I made it through zumba with more sweat and the AC in the car lasted about two minutes and then it was like a sauna and I powered home to take one cold ass shower. Youtubes videos and Ben stealing my computer since.
Yesterday was all about Harry Potter. Watched part 1 in the afternoon around doing laundry and other chores and then went to see it with Devin, who sobbed softly through the latter half as I nudged tissues at her and tried not to laugh. I also brought like a third of a bag of fruit loops and ate the sugary dust at the bottom like some people take drugs--lick finger and stick into dust and eat. Lol. Anyway, Blah blah, end of my childhood. Thoroughly underwhelmed and thinking back, the books were fun to read but never really made a lasting impact on me. Laughed out loud at Ron as a parent/adult. Saw familarity in him though, which was...comforting.
I was really, really happy Monday. I think once the heat dies down and I change neighborhoods it will be better (and once I figure out a routine...I don't care how OCD people think I am, I just FUNCTION better with a set plan that is somewhat regulated. But, if I'm not making progress by the end of the first week or week and a half, I might quit because there's no point going out nearly every day in heat, etc. to not make money. Especially when I could be spending the day in AC, sitting on the couch, reading and being relatively happy with my situation. And perhaps working towards the future.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
goodness!
I been doing a lot of thinking, come to a lot of realizations, feelin' grown for it. I may not have made good decisions in the past but at least I learned from them!
I think I rather liked being aloneish this past week and not having transportation cus really, where would I have rather been than sitting on Omi's couch in front of the picture window (sunshine!) reading, reading, reading.
Ok, ok. Devin and others made me get out of the house. I am so so glad to be reconnecting with old friends.
Three-way phone conversation:
Devin: One of the dogs at my dad's house died last night and then my dad resuscitated it.
Me, stirring pasta: Shut the fuck up!
Amy: *cracks up laughing*
I had coffee with Sarah and that was lovely to sit in the sunshine and catch up.
I stay up late reading and texting Devin every hour or so exclaiming over some new thing that has occurred in the Dublin of the fever series.
I made homemade pesto yesterday because I realized that I had all the implements!! Mum bought pistachios to eat in her hotel room and brought them home, and we have basil growing in a pot outside now. It tastes all nutty and earthy and smells strongly herby and lovely. I was really proud of myself.
Yesterday I also helped at a funeral wake (sad) but basically spent the whole morning and early afternoon hanging out with really cool old ladies (I LOVE OLD PEOPLE), though I felt sick initially and then scraped the back of my leg really badly on a cart. We took home leftover salads and I am making healthy chicken tenders today.
IIIII am tripped up sometimes, but right now, looking over the past week, I feel like threads are coming together. I don't have a lot to complain about, and I have a lot to be thankful for.
I think I rather liked being aloneish this past week and not having transportation cus really, where would I have rather been than sitting on Omi's couch in front of the picture window (sunshine!) reading, reading, reading.
Ok, ok. Devin and others made me get out of the house. I am so so glad to be reconnecting with old friends.
Three-way phone conversation:
Devin: One of the dogs at my dad's house died last night and then my dad resuscitated it.
Me, stirring pasta: Shut the fuck up!
Amy: *cracks up laughing*
I had coffee with Sarah and that was lovely to sit in the sunshine and catch up.
I stay up late reading and texting Devin every hour or so exclaiming over some new thing that has occurred in the Dublin of the fever series.
I made homemade pesto yesterday because I realized that I had all the implements!! Mum bought pistachios to eat in her hotel room and brought them home, and we have basil growing in a pot outside now. It tastes all nutty and earthy and smells strongly herby and lovely. I was really proud of myself.
Yesterday I also helped at a funeral wake (sad) but basically spent the whole morning and early afternoon hanging out with really cool old ladies (I LOVE OLD PEOPLE), though I felt sick initially and then scraped the back of my leg really badly on a cart. We took home leftover salads and I am making healthy chicken tenders today.
IIIII am tripped up sometimes, but right now, looking over the past week, I feel like threads are coming together. I don't have a lot to complain about, and I have a lot to be thankful for.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
England
I love them all/it all/so much so much so much!
I feel proud when I get jokes and pick up on small cultural things.
Charli finally e-mailed me back!!!!!!
I think I could be happy there of my own volition and in my own company.
CPD was right when he said that you made a mistake and I feel the weight of it.
I feel proud when I get jokes and pick up on small cultural things.
Charli finally e-mailed me back!!!!!!
I think I could be happy there of my own volition and in my own company.
CPD was right when he said that you made a mistake and I feel the weight of it.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Prepare for the angst
Today was a bit of a trying day. Woke up with not enough sleep and laid in bed for five minutes wondering how in the hell I managed to get up around 6AM in high school and just get on with it. The good thing was I laid in bed and listened to the mild thunderstorm outside. It's been a long time since that. Drove Mum to work but on little gas and then we got all the way to Centre where we were stopped by a downed powerline in the middle of the road. The authorities were just getting there to deal with it. So we ended up taking a detour through a residential neighborhood and came out beyond that point on Centre. Dropped Mum off, paranoid about running on empty, then ended up following the LONG line of cars taking the residential neighborhood. Straddling empty, stressed cus I was supposed to meet Chris, I sucked it up and gave BP my mother's money. Then met Chris. We had a lovely breakfast of bagels and coffee at Big Apple Bagel and talked about our lives. Glad I know that boy. Then I headed home and arrived just before the real storm hit. Wind and pouring rain, I stayed on weather.com and the tv signal kept going in and out. Finally it ended and I made do watching British shows.
Mum called and had me come pick her up from work because only half the office had power. I collected her then turned around and got Ian for book club. Successful meeting discussing Revolutionary Road. Got an interesting setup for next time--I get to finish Fever series for it, others are reading what they want, will present to group. Then we're making Ian read at least one Fever book! Then I had to go to Target for a mouse for Mum, was annoyed because she said UPC when she meant USB and I was all stressed and confused. More British telly and a salad when I got home and then just stress cus she laid on these errands on me. Sidenote: got a call RIGHT before I was going to leave and I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW FOR NEXT MONDAY. Wanted me sooner but I don't have a car this week. Would need to sort out transport for earlier as Mum will be gone all week. But anyway, drove ALL the way back to Centre to the credit union, and then it was closed due to lack of power and I had skipped cashing my check and then the bank was closed. I was just a bit frazzled because driving round all day really rather stresses me out. But...ZUMBA.
Kind of bad that actually getting myself to a thing I enjoy on time stresses me out and has become a big thing. Class went by so fast today and I didn't sweat really hard til the latter half. I think she took it easy on us a bit. Then I was bothered by the sun glaring at the windshield a long time. Just every little thing seems to get at me when I'm tired. Made it home, showered, going to see Kyle and Aunt Viv tomorrow instead of sitting around, which is nice. Cleanedish bathroom, did dishes, I am a regular homemaker! Cut coupons, too, and am finally taking time to chill out. Content! :)
Mum called and had me come pick her up from work because only half the office had power. I collected her then turned around and got Ian for book club. Successful meeting discussing Revolutionary Road. Got an interesting setup for next time--I get to finish Fever series for it, others are reading what they want, will present to group. Then we're making Ian read at least one Fever book! Then I had to go to Target for a mouse for Mum, was annoyed because she said UPC when she meant USB and I was all stressed and confused. More British telly and a salad when I got home and then just stress cus she laid on these errands on me. Sidenote: got a call RIGHT before I was going to leave and I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW FOR NEXT MONDAY. Wanted me sooner but I don't have a car this week. Would need to sort out transport for earlier as Mum will be gone all week. But anyway, drove ALL the way back to Centre to the credit union, and then it was closed due to lack of power and I had skipped cashing my check and then the bank was closed. I was just a bit frazzled because driving round all day really rather stresses me out. But...ZUMBA.
Kind of bad that actually getting myself to a thing I enjoy on time stresses me out and has become a big thing. Class went by so fast today and I didn't sweat really hard til the latter half. I think she took it easy on us a bit. Then I was bothered by the sun glaring at the windshield a long time. Just every little thing seems to get at me when I'm tired. Made it home, showered, going to see Kyle and Aunt Viv tomorrow instead of sitting around, which is nice. Cleanedish bathroom, did dishes, I am a regular homemaker! Cut coupons, too, and am finally taking time to chill out. Content! :)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
weird dream
For some reason, I am struck with the wish to record my dream last night so here goes. Was kind of back in England? (Note the inflection tone of my voice when I tell you that.) It was almost like a split world in that I knew I had to go back for another month and a half/for the rest of the summer. I'm not quite sure if my vantage point there was from America or if I was in England preparing to leave, knowing I had to come back. Then I WAS in London...the layout was different. I remember having to cross really tricky streets by just running when traffic was clear and there were just lines and lines of people, us students, preparing to move somewhere. Was I moving back in to the flat? But Ian was there and I think Devin and maybe one other American friend...we were all carrying bundles of possessions and making this trek kind of down the bankside (that looked way different, almost like a cartoonized map version really) of the Thames and around a corner to our building. It was and wasn't different to my actual flat I had there. The kitchen had been remodeled somehow...there was now a dishwasher and a TV was mounted on the wall. I remember my flatmates were there. I think I felt Shubha's presence bustling around the kitchen; it was like we were getting ready for one of our flat dinners. Charli was definitely there. (I've been thinking about her a lot lately and I miss her.) Arun was there, too. I don't think I remember him as much in the dream as waking up and knowing he was there.
Then I remember being back in the cartoon map landscape of London for a bit and then it was like a lot of the people I got to know there in a museum and we were being taking on a tour, and I think one of the tourguides was vaguely a British comedian. We first met up in this cramped room with museum lighting. Everyone was kind of hyped, running around. Charli was there again with her boyfriend vaguely there, and other people had sort of paired off since I'd last seen them? And then Greg was there, only he sort of split into two personalities which made me really paranoid somehow. The two versions looked just slightly different, maybe one had a little different hair, but it was like looking at the same person from two different angles. Then I used dream logic to tell myself it was the same person and then there was only one version after that. I just remember going through this museum, breaking off in a group that walked faster and went ahead. I thought we were going to get into trouble, but the British comedian, who I think was our teacher in the dream, was good and just took over for those who lagged behind. I remember going through an impossibly big staircase and then when we got to the next floor, there an equally impossibly small hallway which still had artifacts hanging. I backed up into one and knocked it on the floor and expected to get into trouble, but instead the tourguide shrugged it off after putting it back and said, "The walls are made for people knocking into them" or something and then I noticed the walls were basically plywood, made in places to look better than that. Also, in the newer flat kitchen, there was more wood accenting. I remember the presence of my friends throughout.
Then I remember being back in the cartoon map landscape of London for a bit and then it was like a lot of the people I got to know there in a museum and we were being taking on a tour, and I think one of the tourguides was vaguely a British comedian. We first met up in this cramped room with museum lighting. Everyone was kind of hyped, running around. Charli was there again with her boyfriend vaguely there, and other people had sort of paired off since I'd last seen them? And then Greg was there, only he sort of split into two personalities which made me really paranoid somehow. The two versions looked just slightly different, maybe one had a little different hair, but it was like looking at the same person from two different angles. Then I used dream logic to tell myself it was the same person and then there was only one version after that. I just remember going through this museum, breaking off in a group that walked faster and went ahead. I thought we were going to get into trouble, but the British comedian, who I think was our teacher in the dream, was good and just took over for those who lagged behind. I remember going through an impossibly big staircase and then when we got to the next floor, there an equally impossibly small hallway which still had artifacts hanging. I backed up into one and knocked it on the floor and expected to get into trouble, but instead the tourguide shrugged it off after putting it back and said, "The walls are made for people knocking into them" or something and then I noticed the walls were basically plywood, made in places to look better than that. Also, in the newer flat kitchen, there was more wood accenting. I remember the presence of my friends throughout.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Ok, time to settle back down into the quiet rhythm and routine
The house is finally empty, not that I'm making a underhanded comment. Family plans crumbled for the weekend and Ben brought Violet on Sunday afternoon. He left me on Monday feeling exhausted already and with a nervous feeling because I was to watch Violet all on my own on Tuesday. Mum to the point that she actually came home around 5pm. But it turned out being fine, aside from general lack of sleep. The only true worry came when I was feeding her breakfast, just paranoid that at any moment she could just choke and my breath would catch in my lungs and just...bad. But it was good! We played and then she went down for a knock-out nap. So long that I finished my book and was so hungry I couldn't wait to eat with her. Mum came home and took some of the pressure off. Bashley came back and we had stressful and good family time.
Even though Violet basically refused to go to bed on Tuesday night, she was up around 7 on Wednesday, waking me up. I am still a morning person, but this lack of sleep summer has turned me into a grumpy morning zombie until I actually have to drive myself home. I have discovered that I really cherish that morning routine that has developed--driving Mum to work, then having my music in the car ride home on the highway, back into the house for a coffee and some telly as I start the day properly. Just a slightly altered story this week with visitors. The general tiredness had me in a bad mood, one that not even zumba could get rid of. The sweat poured down again, and a strain in my side halfway through threatened to make me quit, but I didn't and took the time to laugh almost audibly at myself during the class at my persistent inability to master quite simple footwork. So I guess that was a positive. I came home just feeling SO grumpy. Played Scrabble with Ben and Mum and discovered that I good and plainly suck at it. I cried, literally. Cus Ben was being mean about it (in a caring, brotherly way) and I was just tired and upset. Then Mum and I watched an eppy of Gene Simmons where he visited military people who were about to deploy, and it was just depressing. Also, as of last night and today, I realized I need to lay off the coffee drinks and have more water. Note: most of the drinks are decaf so are not contributing to lack of sleep. Just general going to bed lateness, fear of spiders, heat, having to get up early.
Today was quite bland and depressing. I should rather talk about how amazing my niece is. I don't really feel like I'm the type of person to go on about How Amazing It Is To Watch Her Grow or anything, nor do I go crazy on little children when a lot of other people are already lavishing attention on them, but it was nice to spend a more extended amount of time with Violet, to really watch her in action. And action indeed. I somehow wondered at adults gaining weight with children when you are always having to get up to mind her going into another room. And how you have to make sure she eats a protein, a veggie, a fruit at each meal--makes me focus more on what I would eat at the same time. It was cool to watch her learn the small things. Ok so maybe I am going on a bit :P
Maybe I am down a bit about the next two weeks but I know that overall "it's going to be good" and that I'll have things to occupy my time (such as making an inspirational poster of a Simon quote!) and such. All will be ok. Already on the countdown to one of my besties coming home, got a free strip show. Listen to "Together" and think of Nina singing it happily, listen to "Young Love" and think of a Starbucks on Bankside. Cuddle with my cats, try not to kill another bird on the highway*, all will be well! Also, I think you should know that I'm wearing lipstick.
*I can't believe I forgot to tell this story! And graphic element warning!: Mum and I were driving home from the gym like last week. I was driving, on the highway, going fast then obviously. See this black thing kind of swooping down, closer and closer, rapid rapid, all of a sudden it SMACKS against the windshield and basically explodes. I mean, I saw it out of the corner of my eyes but it happened right in front of Mum. Blood and guts up the windshield. It wasn't like a bloodbath, but it was so random and just nasty. Mum almost threw up. When we got home she had to hose down the car. Nast.
Even though Violet basically refused to go to bed on Tuesday night, she was up around 7 on Wednesday, waking me up. I am still a morning person, but this lack of sleep summer has turned me into a grumpy morning zombie until I actually have to drive myself home. I have discovered that I really cherish that morning routine that has developed--driving Mum to work, then having my music in the car ride home on the highway, back into the house for a coffee and some telly as I start the day properly. Just a slightly altered story this week with visitors. The general tiredness had me in a bad mood, one that not even zumba could get rid of. The sweat poured down again, and a strain in my side halfway through threatened to make me quit, but I didn't and took the time to laugh almost audibly at myself during the class at my persistent inability to master quite simple footwork. So I guess that was a positive. I came home just feeling SO grumpy. Played Scrabble with Ben and Mum and discovered that I good and plainly suck at it. I cried, literally. Cus Ben was being mean about it (in a caring, brotherly way) and I was just tired and upset. Then Mum and I watched an eppy of Gene Simmons where he visited military people who were about to deploy, and it was just depressing. Also, as of last night and today, I realized I need to lay off the coffee drinks and have more water. Note: most of the drinks are decaf so are not contributing to lack of sleep. Just general going to bed lateness, fear of spiders, heat, having to get up early.
Today was quite bland and depressing. I should rather talk about how amazing my niece is. I don't really feel like I'm the type of person to go on about How Amazing It Is To Watch Her Grow or anything, nor do I go crazy on little children when a lot of other people are already lavishing attention on them, but it was nice to spend a more extended amount of time with Violet, to really watch her in action. And action indeed. I somehow wondered at adults gaining weight with children when you are always having to get up to mind her going into another room. And how you have to make sure she eats a protein, a veggie, a fruit at each meal--makes me focus more on what I would eat at the same time. It was cool to watch her learn the small things. Ok so maybe I am going on a bit :P
Maybe I am down a bit about the next two weeks but I know that overall "it's going to be good" and that I'll have things to occupy my time (such as making an inspirational poster of a Simon quote!) and such. All will be ok. Already on the countdown to one of my besties coming home, got a free strip show. Listen to "Together" and think of Nina singing it happily, listen to "Young Love" and think of a Starbucks on Bankside. Cuddle with my cats, try not to kill another bird on the highway*, all will be well! Also, I think you should know that I'm wearing lipstick.
*I can't believe I forgot to tell this story! And graphic element warning!: Mum and I were driving home from the gym like last week. I was driving, on the highway, going fast then obviously. See this black thing kind of swooping down, closer and closer, rapid rapid, all of a sudden it SMACKS against the windshield and basically explodes. I mean, I saw it out of the corner of my eyes but it happened right in front of Mum. Blood and guts up the windshield. It wasn't like a bloodbath, but it was so random and just nasty. Mum almost threw up. When we got home she had to hose down the car. Nast.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Cra-Cra Random Slazzy Slimy Jamalam Time
It was almost a Weekend of Disappointment. A Friday night of loneliness after not feeling well and watching Buzzcocks all afternoon. A Saturday of Women's Wimbledon final, power grocery shopping, and CLEANING UNDERNEATH THE KITCHEN ISLAND. Honestly, what has gotten into me that I'm suddenly unwilling to just sit around and actually want to get things done? Anyway, we came up with like three boxes of stuff to donate and neatened things up and THEN I felt I earned sitting on the couch and watching Sex and the City with Mum, which has become a new thing we do. I had so much trouble sleeping though--I know it was the heat but it was also the fact that earlier that day there had been a fast-crawling spider going across my wall right near my bed...and then later I found a bug that I hope just fell of one of the cats on the bed. Mum sprayed eucalyptus, which is supposed to ward them off naturally but I still avoided the wall. -_-
Today we watched men's Wimbledon final. Then there was a brief down period before I loaded up the car to go to Goodwill, where I managed to get the steering wheel slightly stuck. Then Mum got it even MORE stuck and we were sat in the oppressive heat outside the donation door for like, well it must've just been 5-7 minutes, but it was embarrassing because one guy kept going by us to throw out boxes. Finally, when I was despairing and considering just calling AAA, I got out of the car and asked one of the guys working there if he was "good at cars", which honestly I'm a bit embarrassed about now. But he said yes and I explained what happened so he hopped in, phenaggled for about a minute and got it started!! To which I exclaimed "You're brilliant!! Thank you so much!!" And we drove off...around the corner to go into the actual store. But I prided myself on my damsel in distress abilities. (For the record, we did try and it was REALLY stuck.) Went to Target after that and had to pry Mum's fingers off of sales rack baby clothes but she ended up buying a dress and I insisted on a Dr. Suess t-shirt.
Ben was home when we got there and we were all upstairs crooning over Violet. Then I began to make dinner and we had all-out Mexican: tacos, Spanish rice, corn mush, homemade guacamole. I ate too much and then had to clean up the kitchen, which was exhausting. The sink is full of dishes which I will have to do tomorrow because I did a shitload earlier today and apparently we can't run the dishwasher too much or it will make the water bill get too high. We played three rounds of euchre which was good down in my belly. I watched British shows with Ben, and he admitted that he had a hard time understanding/keeping up with the accents in the Inbetweeners. Now I have the albums I wanted and my mousepad is slightly sticky. I am exhausted. Ben is going home tomorrow but Violet is staying here and I will watch her Tuesday for the whole day all by myself. Then he and Ashley will come spend a night. It's going to be a busy week cus I need to have an errand day, do chores (laundry!), see people, and read/do book club. But it's all good in the hood!
Today we watched men's Wimbledon final. Then there was a brief down period before I loaded up the car to go to Goodwill, where I managed to get the steering wheel slightly stuck. Then Mum got it even MORE stuck and we were sat in the oppressive heat outside the donation door for like, well it must've just been 5-7 minutes, but it was embarrassing because one guy kept going by us to throw out boxes. Finally, when I was despairing and considering just calling AAA, I got out of the car and asked one of the guys working there if he was "good at cars", which honestly I'm a bit embarrassed about now. But he said yes and I explained what happened so he hopped in, phenaggled for about a minute and got it started!! To which I exclaimed "You're brilliant!! Thank you so much!!" And we drove off...around the corner to go into the actual store. But I prided myself on my damsel in distress abilities. (For the record, we did try and it was REALLY stuck.) Went to Target after that and had to pry Mum's fingers off of sales rack baby clothes but she ended up buying a dress and I insisted on a Dr. Suess t-shirt.
Ben was home when we got there and we were all upstairs crooning over Violet. Then I began to make dinner and we had all-out Mexican: tacos, Spanish rice, corn mush, homemade guacamole. I ate too much and then had to clean up the kitchen, which was exhausting. The sink is full of dishes which I will have to do tomorrow because I did a shitload earlier today and apparently we can't run the dishwasher too much or it will make the water bill get too high. We played three rounds of euchre which was good down in my belly. I watched British shows with Ben, and he admitted that he had a hard time understanding/keeping up with the accents in the Inbetweeners. Now I have the albums I wanted and my mousepad is slightly sticky. I am exhausted. Ben is going home tomorrow but Violet is staying here and I will watch her Tuesday for the whole day all by myself. Then he and Ashley will come spend a night. It's going to be a busy week cus I need to have an errand day, do chores (laundry!), see people, and read/do book club. But it's all good in the hood!
Friday, July 1, 2011
some things that happened
Nest Scramble at Crow's Nest with Claire, hashing out the drama and wonder of our lives.
First meeting of Kalamazoo Book Club a success.
Coffee with Chris, always lovely, talking about life.
Zumba kicking my ass and making me feel so good, making me understand what it is to sweat out the impurities.
Salad, salad so good, crunching in my mouth, feeling healthy.
Financial crisis taken back to dull, throbbing problem at the back of my head.
Skyping good for the [my] soul.
IMs sneaking their way into my stable emotional grid, trip me up, make me cry.
Wonder really, what am I crying at?
But can't stop. For a short while.
Long overdue catch-up with Amy, add Devin to that mix.
Huddling around the too-hot oven for pizza, blondies, smoothies.
Seeing a movie for the first time since being home.
Remembering a summer of three years ago where we basically never paid.
Rounding the corner to the Rave in parsed out droplets of rain, yelling, feeling free, commenting about how Kalamazoo never changes but it feels good to be downtown and out.
Thinking Jesse Eisenberg is like the American Simon Amstell but will never be as good, as cute, as amazing.
Subsequently miss Simon Amstell (I have issues).
Home to dessert and apparently I'm a hipster geek. What?!
No, seriously, what.
To Parchment to hear boys play guitar.
Get absolutely lost, followed by guys in neighborhood, car egged, scared and laughing, round and round and round.
Listen to those boys play guitar and have girl pow wow on the floor, one overhears us talking about penises.
Amy produces fake tattoos so we traipse upstairs to put them on in trashy places.
Bored, leave.
Home in the rain.
First meeting of Kalamazoo Book Club a success.
Coffee with Chris, always lovely, talking about life.
Zumba kicking my ass and making me feel so good, making me understand what it is to sweat out the impurities.
Salad, salad so good, crunching in my mouth, feeling healthy.
Financial crisis taken back to dull, throbbing problem at the back of my head.
Skyping good for the [my] soul.
IMs sneaking their way into my stable emotional grid, trip me up, make me cry.
Wonder really, what am I crying at?
But can't stop. For a short while.
Long overdue catch-up with Amy, add Devin to that mix.
Huddling around the too-hot oven for pizza, blondies, smoothies.
Seeing a movie for the first time since being home.
Remembering a summer of three years ago where we basically never paid.
Rounding the corner to the Rave in parsed out droplets of rain, yelling, feeling free, commenting about how Kalamazoo never changes but it feels good to be downtown and out.
Thinking Jesse Eisenberg is like the American Simon Amstell but will never be as good, as cute, as amazing.
Subsequently miss Simon Amstell (I have issues).
Home to dessert and apparently I'm a hipster geek. What?!
No, seriously, what.
To Parchment to hear boys play guitar.
Get absolutely lost, followed by guys in neighborhood, car egged, scared and laughing, round and round and round.
Listen to those boys play guitar and have girl pow wow on the floor, one overhears us talking about penises.
Amy produces fake tattoos so we traipse upstairs to put them on in trashy places.
Bored, leave.
Home in the rain.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Rediscovering ME ["Welcome to life, bitch!" --Mum, yelling at the Bachelorette]
Ok, so on Sunday I reached this point (after not being truly social) where I shut the computer and kind of looked at myself and thought, "Really, E? Is this all it is? Something needs to change or you're seriously going to get depressed." I haven't really read anything since being home, and Mum bought me a magazine so I didn't turn on the tv and sat and read it cover to cover. That awakened me somehow. I showered and then felt the change, felt ravenous for life. I turned on the tv and even though it was Anthony Bourdain, I couldn't concentrate (and felt guilty cus I love him). I went through the magazines that have been sitting for me on the couch since I got home, reading articles here and there but mostly finding the recipes. Tidying makes me feel complete. So I did all my area on the couch and touched a bit of Mum's. It felt good and I couldn't be still and just watch telly; I had to keep doing things. This creative energy was going through me. (But I can't channel that into writing when it happens). It was just nice and enlivening. So much so I couldn't sleep, even though I was so tired I went to bed at 10:30.
Today I did a lot of chores. I did four loads of laundry while watching the entire first season of Gavin and Stacey (a hilarious British comedy--if you're not familiar with it you should become so). I have a small crush on James Corden, one of the writers. I cleaned/tidied the kitchen, organized my recipes, etc. all without getting out of my pajamas. I smelled rough by the time I showered around half seven. Oh oh, I also spent some time on my other current crush, Simon Amstell (who, unfortunately for me, is gay). Watched a bunch of his videos and squeed about how darn cute he is. But overall it was a productive day. I feel reflective and happy right now. Oh shit, I meant to tackle my closet, but I'll get to that at some point this week. Small goals, E, and that's all one can ask for to keep going. Taking pleasure in the small things. Life is good to me, when I look for these things.
Today I did a lot of chores. I did four loads of laundry while watching the entire first season of Gavin and Stacey (a hilarious British comedy--if you're not familiar with it you should become so). I have a small crush on James Corden, one of the writers. I cleaned/tidied the kitchen, organized my recipes, etc. all without getting out of my pajamas. I smelled rough by the time I showered around half seven. Oh oh, I also spent some time on my other current crush, Simon Amstell (who, unfortunately for me, is gay). Watched a bunch of his videos and squeed about how darn cute he is. But overall it was a productive day. I feel reflective and happy right now. Oh shit, I meant to tackle my closet, but I'll get to that at some point this week. Small goals, E, and that's all one can ask for to keep going. Taking pleasure in the small things. Life is good to me, when I look for these things.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Mid-day Mastery
HaHA! I just thought I needed to record somewhere this good mood that has finally come over me. I love Planned Parenthood, I just do. They do amazing work and if I had oodles of money I would give it to them. TMI warning: slight yeast infection, slight UTI...sighhh it seems my time has come. I will stop using Dove products cus that one time I used their deodorant it made me itchy all in the armpit and it seems that their body wash stuff, while it smells amazing, is not for my skin. I'm not pregnant, my IUD is still in place, and spotting kind of all over the place is completely normal (thank you, doctors in England making me feel like something was wrong). I can deal with it as long as I know it's normal. So anyways, mixed news there but I went by myself and was strong and now have antibiotics to take and I'm making pasta with pesto so life is good.
But what would make it even better?! This morning I was driving back from dropping Mum off at work and I was listening to NPR and I had this thought, "Oh, it would be cool to hear Scheherazade on here..." and then I turn it on after filling my prescription AND IT WAS PLAYING THE TAIL END OF SCHEHERAZADE. It was totally one of those amazing moments where you feel like everything is coming together in your life. Mum gets out of work early today, we're working out, and it should be a lovely weekend. I feel happier.
But what would make it even better?! This morning I was driving back from dropping Mum off at work and I was listening to NPR and I had this thought, "Oh, it would be cool to hear Scheherazade on here..." and then I turn it on after filling my prescription AND IT WAS PLAYING THE TAIL END OF SCHEHERAZADE. It was totally one of those amazing moments where you feel like everything is coming together in your life. Mum gets out of work early today, we're working out, and it should be a lovely weekend. I feel happier.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Famalamadingdong Time
More more more family time. Always lovely. Saw Uncle Jim, Aunt Marilou and Tony on Sunday. Have to note that when I said Uncle Jim makes inappropriate jokes that they ARE FUNNY. It was great to see them. Lots of going out to eat, sat in Wendy's for like two hours shooting the shit and drinking too much iced tea, me playing on their smart phones.
Other family of note--went to Shipshewana yesterday with Aunt Viv and Cameron. The day kicked off around 9:30 with simultaneous sunshine and rainshower. We went to Rykses for breakfast and all had HUGE, yummy cinnamon buns (couldn't finish mine). Couldn't finish breakfast scrambler for that matter either. Then headed down to Shipse, stopping for caffeine on the way. Stopped at the one metalworks house before hitting town, but Aunt Viv didn't find what she wanted so we parked near the gas station as the rain picked up again and it was pouring. We sat in the car for a few minutes and then it let up some so we headed to the flea market. It had stopped raining after a few and we got down there and put the pedal to the metal. I bought some nail polish and a sudoku book. I don't know if Cameron was too prepared for the level of shopping Aunt Viv is capable of. I was surprised that we were only in the market for two and a half hours. We got caught in a 15-minute rainstorm again, hopping from tent to tent as they all covered up in a matter of minutes to protect their wares. It was POURING. Then blue sky appeared again and all the people emerged. We finally relocated the tent with the cast iron cookware, bought what we wanted, and left.
We dropped our stuff off in the car, had a breather in the gas station, then walked around town. The shops are cute and all, but you need some monayyyy. By the time we were walking around the furniture store (which had really beautiful pieces), I was dead tired and was so happy to walk back to the car and go to Bashley's. Ben wasn't home yet, but it was nice to just sit and talk and stuff. Violet was very quiet in the beginning, but then she opened up more and more and was soon running around talking, etc. Their new kitten Mars is adorable. He's soooo tiny! Ben got home from work after we had been there for about twenty minutes and we decided to get takeaway so Ashley and Vi stayed home as the rest of us drove to Middlebury for some Chinese. While they were preparing our order, we went into this bike shop, but I spent most of that time on Ben's iPhone playing Scrabble. We brought the food home and ate and Mars took a nap on Cam's lap (also, note that my cousin is only just 14, already like 6'2''/6'3'' wearing a size 14 shoe--went we ate breakfast, I swear I blinked and his food was gone--crazy). Then we kind of sat around talking and Ben made coffee. We finally headed home around 8. All in all, it was a simple, straight forward day and it was exhausting in a good way. My feet hurt a bit when I got home and I talked with Mum for like half an hour, took a shower, went online for like ten minutes and basically went to bed at 10:30 I was so tired.
I have been feeling ill a lot of this week and I have one doctor's appointment tomorrow so basically today (and the other days) have been me sitting around most of the day watching telly online. It can be kind of boring, but I don't feel up to much else. I hope to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Marilou one more time before they leave and depending on what's wrong with me, I'll get up to more tomorrow. But overall, it's good to be surrounded by family who are crazy and wacky and fun.
Other family of note--went to Shipshewana yesterday with Aunt Viv and Cameron. The day kicked off around 9:30 with simultaneous sunshine and rainshower. We went to Rykses for breakfast and all had HUGE, yummy cinnamon buns (couldn't finish mine). Couldn't finish breakfast scrambler for that matter either. Then headed down to Shipse, stopping for caffeine on the way. Stopped at the one metalworks house before hitting town, but Aunt Viv didn't find what she wanted so we parked near the gas station as the rain picked up again and it was pouring. We sat in the car for a few minutes and then it let up some so we headed to the flea market. It had stopped raining after a few and we got down there and put the pedal to the metal. I bought some nail polish and a sudoku book. I don't know if Cameron was too prepared for the level of shopping Aunt Viv is capable of. I was surprised that we were only in the market for two and a half hours. We got caught in a 15-minute rainstorm again, hopping from tent to tent as they all covered up in a matter of minutes to protect their wares. It was POURING. Then blue sky appeared again and all the people emerged. We finally relocated the tent with the cast iron cookware, bought what we wanted, and left.
We dropped our stuff off in the car, had a breather in the gas station, then walked around town. The shops are cute and all, but you need some monayyyy. By the time we were walking around the furniture store (which had really beautiful pieces), I was dead tired and was so happy to walk back to the car and go to Bashley's. Ben wasn't home yet, but it was nice to just sit and talk and stuff. Violet was very quiet in the beginning, but then she opened up more and more and was soon running around talking, etc. Their new kitten Mars is adorable. He's soooo tiny! Ben got home from work after we had been there for about twenty minutes and we decided to get takeaway so Ashley and Vi stayed home as the rest of us drove to Middlebury for some Chinese. While they were preparing our order, we went into this bike shop, but I spent most of that time on Ben's iPhone playing Scrabble. We brought the food home and ate and Mars took a nap on Cam's lap (also, note that my cousin is only just 14, already like 6'2''/6'3'' wearing a size 14 shoe--went we ate breakfast, I swear I blinked and his food was gone--crazy). Then we kind of sat around talking and Ben made coffee. We finally headed home around 8. All in all, it was a simple, straight forward day and it was exhausting in a good way. My feet hurt a bit when I got home and I talked with Mum for like half an hour, took a shower, went online for like ten minutes and basically went to bed at 10:30 I was so tired.
I have been feeling ill a lot of this week and I have one doctor's appointment tomorrow so basically today (and the other days) have been me sitting around most of the day watching telly online. It can be kind of boring, but I don't feel up to much else. I hope to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Marilou one more time before they leave and depending on what's wrong with me, I'll get up to more tomorrow. But overall, it's good to be surrounded by family who are crazy and wacky and fun.
Friday, June 17, 2011
What is it, Sebastian--I'm arranging matches.
Ok, so. I had been cooking up a way to summarize the last few days to explain my absence, but, as I knew I would, I have chickened out and decided not to lay it all out completely...at least not yet. I think that I need to put more time behind me before I can talk about it fully. And with that, I will just say that the last few days have been trying, but I got through. I got through because Meredith changed her profile picture to Noel Fielding wearing one of the kookiest outfits I've ever seen him in, and then I got a wave of nostalgia for England and decided to watch Nevermind the Buzzcocks. I then spent five hours watching series 24 interspersed with Graham Norton clips. And it felt good and right. On Wednesday I had the courage to watch "Vincent and the Doctor" which didn't make me cry as I thought it would. Rather, it made me feel empowered and miss England again, in a good way. Spent that afternoon watching Buzzcocks again. And again yesterday, before I actually started to get a bit sick of it.
One thing I had been worried about is losing friendship(s). I feel sad cus most of my friends this summer are not in Kalamazoo, and I worried about the quality of some. I was wrong in my worry. Tuesday night I called Rachel for the first time since being home and we talked for an hour. I love that girl. She brings me around to such positive and optimistic views. She's always about having fun and thinking about the bright side of things. And she asks probing questions. I'm lucky to have her as a friend. She suggested we start a book club this summer--how cute and so plainly Rachel Fentin!
On Wednesday I saw Chelsey for the first time since being home and before she goes off to Italy for most of the summer. We met at Applebees for lunch, and though I was bumming during a large portion of it, it was still good to see her and I am again amazed at her. I always use Chelsey as the example when people complain about money. I tell them about how she was not privileged growing up and about how hard she has worked and continues to work to get to where she is today. She is one of the most responsible people I know and I tear up at the standard she sets for our peers.
I joined a gym. Mum has been going with a friend since January, and I wanted to get in on that as something healthy to do this summer to get me off my ass...and to get me off my ass. I have yet to be taken around to the weight machines, but I did a lot on the treadmill and elliptical. I came home (late and I'm sorry for that) to skype with Michelle and Niko. I had worried that my friendship with Michelle was somehow less since she got home, but I do understand that she's very busy. It wasn't until we skyped that I remembered the quality of our friendship, and of course, it's me, I cried at her and Niko, the latter of whom looks like such a California boy when he's in that setting. You can say duh, but I find it funny. It was great to have that dynamic back and to learn that Niko is planning a visit to Ann Arbor shortly after he settles in Chicago for law school (again, a friend to be proud of). More things to look forward to. MiShayShay, Nik Nik and E together again. Being able to type/text Nik Nik again made me happy. I have been in contact with others through facebook IM and skype as well and talking to them and catching up has been so nice and comforting and fun. I'm sorry that I overlooked my friendships and I am thankful, thankful, thankful that they are in my life and are there for me.
I am also thankful for my family. Today was Mum's day off and she paid for lots of grooming--I got my hair chopped off! It was time for a change. And it feels refreshing. We did a bunch of errands and got Steve father's day pressies. And ate at Applebees and Starbucks. Mum says Steve must be flattered by me, because I was texting him to let him know where we were and I always tell him he's funny and cute. And late night skyping with Aunt Marilou and Uncle Jim, making inappropriate jokes. And my brother sending me the CUTEST picture of Violet practically crushing their new kitten Mars. Sometimes it ain't so bad.
I lost my train of thought to sadness for a minute, but maybe it's best to end there. I talked about the good, which is what I wanted to do/focus on. Youtube has helped, friends have saved. Life is an emotional rollercoaster, whether you like it or not.
One thing I had been worried about is losing friendship(s). I feel sad cus most of my friends this summer are not in Kalamazoo, and I worried about the quality of some. I was wrong in my worry. Tuesday night I called Rachel for the first time since being home and we talked for an hour. I love that girl. She brings me around to such positive and optimistic views. She's always about having fun and thinking about the bright side of things. And she asks probing questions. I'm lucky to have her as a friend. She suggested we start a book club this summer--how cute and so plainly Rachel Fentin!
On Wednesday I saw Chelsey for the first time since being home and before she goes off to Italy for most of the summer. We met at Applebees for lunch, and though I was bumming during a large portion of it, it was still good to see her and I am again amazed at her. I always use Chelsey as the example when people complain about money. I tell them about how she was not privileged growing up and about how hard she has worked and continues to work to get to where she is today. She is one of the most responsible people I know and I tear up at the standard she sets for our peers.
I joined a gym. Mum has been going with a friend since January, and I wanted to get in on that as something healthy to do this summer to get me off my ass...and to get me off my ass. I have yet to be taken around to the weight machines, but I did a lot on the treadmill and elliptical. I came home (late and I'm sorry for that) to skype with Michelle and Niko. I had worried that my friendship with Michelle was somehow less since she got home, but I do understand that she's very busy. It wasn't until we skyped that I remembered the quality of our friendship, and of course, it's me, I cried at her and Niko, the latter of whom looks like such a California boy when he's in that setting. You can say duh, but I find it funny. It was great to have that dynamic back and to learn that Niko is planning a visit to Ann Arbor shortly after he settles in Chicago for law school (again, a friend to be proud of). More things to look forward to. MiShayShay, Nik Nik and E together again. Being able to type/text Nik Nik again made me happy. I have been in contact with others through facebook IM and skype as well and talking to them and catching up has been so nice and comforting and fun. I'm sorry that I overlooked my friendships and I am thankful, thankful, thankful that they are in my life and are there for me.
I am also thankful for my family. Today was Mum's day off and she paid for lots of grooming--I got my hair chopped off! It was time for a change. And it feels refreshing. We did a bunch of errands and got Steve father's day pressies. And ate at Applebees and Starbucks. Mum says Steve must be flattered by me, because I was texting him to let him know where we were and I always tell him he's funny and cute. And late night skyping with Aunt Marilou and Uncle Jim, making inappropriate jokes. And my brother sending me the CUTEST picture of Violet practically crushing their new kitten Mars. Sometimes it ain't so bad.
I lost my train of thought to sadness for a minute, but maybe it's best to end there. I talked about the good, which is what I wanted to do/focus on. Youtube has helped, friends have saved. Life is an emotional rollercoaster, whether you like it or not.
Friday, June 10, 2011
"It feels like 8 years but it also feels like it was yesterday."
The above quote from Patty--so true.
I kind of want to write on the theme of betrayal, how you think some people are your friend but then you're not so sure. It's not so clear cut or even as betraying as I make it out to be, but I lost one of my confidantes and a little bit of trust for that person.
Yesterday was a bit grating. It's so great to see family but it stresses everyone out and I had moments where I just thought, "Ok, I hate being home." It was weird when Ben, Ashley and Violet left because then the house was so quiet. Mum and I went to Kohl's and then Marshall's where she bought me a maxi dress for the summer. We then went to Meijer's and I stood in the world foods aisle looking at the British goods feeling like that was so far away but at the same time looking at the shitty hot chocolate made me happy. Oh god, if only there was clotted cream to be had here...Anyway, we got stuff to make a curry and I went home and chopped veggies only to find out the frozen chicken we had was flavored (as I had had a feeling it would be) so we ended up eating pasta with pesto, a "dish" I lived on while in London. Mum thought it ok.
I then went to Waterstreet on Oakland, my haven in the summer. Waterstreet is a local coffee place that bakes and makes deli stuff. I got my typical chai shake with dark chocolate flavoring but I was astounded at how much it cost ($5.83!!). I sat myself at a table outside and listened to a nearby study group translating French. All of a sudden there was a familiar voice and I thought, "That belongs to no one other than Brandon Miller," and, sure enough, I look over to see one of my best friends from age 14 on sitting on the couch. I got up and touched him on the shoulder and he sprung up and hugged me. What a coinkydink. I left him to study after a brief chat (and before he left he gave me his current number) as Olga arrived and then Patty so we moved to push other tables together. Good times with those crazy string-playing ladies. We stayed until about 10:30 and the mosquitoes were biting. I then got a bit lost trying to find T's new house in the student ghetto. I picked up my mum's Harrods tea from him and went home only to stay up til nearly 1am feeling like I wanted to die I was so tired.
This morning I awoke late!ish at 8am at my alarm. I didn't want to get out of bed, but I had promised Mum I'd accompany her to her mammogram that morning. We hit up Panera again afterwards, and I tore into my asiago cheese bagel. Then we went to JC Penney for bras and I got four. Can anyone please tell me why bras cost just as much as a pair of pants? I don't understand how such a little thing can be like $30-some. Mum told me that was the end of retail therapy, but I understand why.
The next drama was that Ben had started overhauling my computer with a burned copy of Vista, then after they left I found my disks and started reinstalling myself and, though I had to do it twice and call him at least five times, I reinstalled the OS but then the wireless card stopped working, so Mum is bringing it into Geek Squad today and I'll be without it for at least a week and a half (and knowing them, longer...) But my brother, being so randomly giving and kind, left his old laptop here for me to use. Mum is somewhat convinced that they just might replace my laptop if they can't get the stuff to work. Ha!
So basically, the boredom of summer begins. Wanting to eat all day out of boredom, accessibility, and a bit of sadness. Things are finally on TV. I want to catch up with shows that I got sick of before but now want to see again. My guilty pleasure for the evening will be Ghost Adventures. If you don't know what that is, youtube it. It's a bunch of frat-type guys chasing the paranormal and it's kind of hilarious. So there's that.
Total retail therapy:
1 frozen mocha from Panera; 1 belt, 1 wallet from Goodwill; 10 minutes spent wearing glitter-covered, peep-toe heels in front of the mirror in Kohl's; 1 tube maxi dress; 1 bagel, 1 chai from Panera, 4 new bras, possible computer makeover (FO FREE CUS I PAID THE BEST WARRANTY). xx
I kind of want to write on the theme of betrayal, how you think some people are your friend but then you're not so sure. It's not so clear cut or even as betraying as I make it out to be, but I lost one of my confidantes and a little bit of trust for that person.
Yesterday was a bit grating. It's so great to see family but it stresses everyone out and I had moments where I just thought, "Ok, I hate being home." It was weird when Ben, Ashley and Violet left because then the house was so quiet. Mum and I went to Kohl's and then Marshall's where she bought me a maxi dress for the summer. We then went to Meijer's and I stood in the world foods aisle looking at the British goods feeling like that was so far away but at the same time looking at the shitty hot chocolate made me happy. Oh god, if only there was clotted cream to be had here...Anyway, we got stuff to make a curry and I went home and chopped veggies only to find out the frozen chicken we had was flavored (as I had had a feeling it would be) so we ended up eating pasta with pesto, a "dish" I lived on while in London. Mum thought it ok.
I then went to Waterstreet on Oakland, my haven in the summer. Waterstreet is a local coffee place that bakes and makes deli stuff. I got my typical chai shake with dark chocolate flavoring but I was astounded at how much it cost ($5.83!!). I sat myself at a table outside and listened to a nearby study group translating French. All of a sudden there was a familiar voice and I thought, "That belongs to no one other than Brandon Miller," and, sure enough, I look over to see one of my best friends from age 14 on sitting on the couch. I got up and touched him on the shoulder and he sprung up and hugged me. What a coinkydink. I left him to study after a brief chat (and before he left he gave me his current number) as Olga arrived and then Patty so we moved to push other tables together. Good times with those crazy string-playing ladies. We stayed until about 10:30 and the mosquitoes were biting. I then got a bit lost trying to find T's new house in the student ghetto. I picked up my mum's Harrods tea from him and went home only to stay up til nearly 1am feeling like I wanted to die I was so tired.
This morning I awoke late!ish at 8am at my alarm. I didn't want to get out of bed, but I had promised Mum I'd accompany her to her mammogram that morning. We hit up Panera again afterwards, and I tore into my asiago cheese bagel. Then we went to JC Penney for bras and I got four. Can anyone please tell me why bras cost just as much as a pair of pants? I don't understand how such a little thing can be like $30-some. Mum told me that was the end of retail therapy, but I understand why.
The next drama was that Ben had started overhauling my computer with a burned copy of Vista, then after they left I found my disks and started reinstalling myself and, though I had to do it twice and call him at least five times, I reinstalled the OS but then the wireless card stopped working, so Mum is bringing it into Geek Squad today and I'll be without it for at least a week and a half (and knowing them, longer...) But my brother, being so randomly giving and kind, left his old laptop here for me to use. Mum is somewhat convinced that they just might replace my laptop if they can't get the stuff to work. Ha!
So basically, the boredom of summer begins. Wanting to eat all day out of boredom, accessibility, and a bit of sadness. Things are finally on TV. I want to catch up with shows that I got sick of before but now want to see again. My guilty pleasure for the evening will be Ghost Adventures. If you don't know what that is, youtube it. It's a bunch of frat-type guys chasing the paranormal and it's kind of hilarious. So there's that.
Total retail therapy:
1 frozen mocha from Panera; 1 belt, 1 wallet from Goodwill; 10 minutes spent wearing glitter-covered, peep-toe heels in front of the mirror in Kohl's; 1 tube maxi dress; 1 bagel, 1 chai from Panera, 4 new bras, possible computer makeover (FO FREE CUS I PAID THE BEST WARRANTY). xx
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Closing the chapter on the last one
So I just completed a blog (e-unitinlondontown.blogspot.com), and now it's time to wrap that up completely. Some people told me they enjoyed reading (here and there lol) so I've started a new blog that will be about the day-to-day stuff that happens where I'm living. Also, as a side note, Elliot once remarked that he will forever remember me as "Elissa from Kalamazoo" like a Dr. Suess character, so that seemed a bit fitting for a blog about everyday life. I will always have my roots here.
Firstly, I left London yesterday, specifically my flat around 6:45 AM BST. It was surreal to finally leave after I had been there for over nine months without going home. Kalamazoo was so tangible in my mind at times, but when I was finally faced with it, I felt I could take it or leave it. Anyway, goodbye was hard (skims over details) and the flight was weird. Only turned out to be 7 hours and not full in the slightest. I had a row to myself and didn't sleep a wink, nor did I attempt to. I watched two movies, two tv shows, listened to most of one album, all of another, and did su doku (thank you, Charli, so thoughtful xx). I don't know what my biological clock was thinking about the time when we rolled into Newark around 1:30pm EST. I was unprepared for the 90-degree heat (30+ in C) in my jeans and jacket but I had to lug all my stuff. I went through customs/immigration then had to collect my checked bags (I didn't get a trolley because they cost money in the US cue more sweat) and had to transfer them before taking a train to another terminal, then waiting in line to have to go through TSA security for the US. (Also, we're super patriotic. The flight was all, "WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES [AMERICAN FLAG IN BACKGROUND]") I think the one of the things that saved me was the spunky old lady (you know I love old people) behind me who commented, as we were both bent over untying our shoes, "Four security checks in Europe and it's only here that I have to take off my shoes!" I agreed. Later I saw her sitting in the same waiting area and took some comfort in her proximity.
I got to my gate and finally finally got to call my mum. I could barely contain myself and she asked me if I was excited to be in the US and I promptly burst into tears and said no and was acutely embarrassed because there were people everywhere, including across from me as I struggled not to cry more. I dug helplessly in my purse but could not find my tissues so I had to use the roll of toilet paper I stuffed in my backpack. Class act. I called and called and called Obi and finally after half an hour, we connected and he made me feel more calm and like I could do it. I talked to him up until we had to board. The plane was small--one of the two-seats-on-one-side and one-on-the-other types. I got my own side and took further comfort in the English woman behind me, asked her where she was from and we got to chatting for a few minutes about England. Then two other English ladies sat across the aisle from me and I talked to them as well and it felt like a good way to ease out of England by being surrounded by English people when I was going home.
As the plane went on, I finally dozed a bit and my excitement to be close(r) to home grew. When we landed I had four new messages and my mum was totally on time. I power walked to the baggage claim and found her, walked all the way up to her before she saw me. Her face lit up and she gave me a really big hug, and, as I knew it would be, it felt like not a day had passed since I last saw her. We collected my bags and went home.
Nothing has changed. Well, little things have changed but it's still Kalamazoo and it feels like somewhere between a good and a bad thing. I had been up for nearly 24 hours by the time I got to bed last night. Slept at 10:30 and this morning I woke up before 7 and kind of gave up. Before any sadness could really push down on me, I heard Violet in her crib so I went in. She's grown SO big since I last saw her and for a few minutes she just stared at me as I talked to her in her cradle. After a bit, I took her into Ben and Ashley's room to see what her morning routine was and they just got up and we all sat around. I fed Violet oatmeal.
The best things about being home: big fridge stocked with tons of different kinds of food; new dishes; bathroom seems so much bigger than I remember; my ROOM; more clothes; LOTS of clothes; all my stuff in one place; my family; etc. The day has basically been a blur of getting in and out of the car. I thought retail therapy would help but no good bras at Kohl's, and there are no cute wallets big enough for my shit. We filled the kiddie pool for Violet though. And I drove by myself. I found I had little appetite after Panera. I was amazed that such a small amount of food filled me so completely. I took my Sainsbury's bag to Hardings and felt like a fool and bought the same brand of pesto I had in England. I am making an egg scramble tomorrow for the family. All the commotion starting to get to me as Violet did not have a second nap today and was screaming and running around and falling. Ben and Ashley have gone to South Haven and Violet went to bed shortly after so I am here to collect my thoughts. There is nothing good on all the channels I raved about missing, I ate a measly bowl of Chinese takeaway, I think I'm jetlagged but I can't be sure. I hope for the best, really.
Firstly, I left London yesterday, specifically my flat around 6:45 AM BST. It was surreal to finally leave after I had been there for over nine months without going home. Kalamazoo was so tangible in my mind at times, but when I was finally faced with it, I felt I could take it or leave it. Anyway, goodbye was hard (skims over details) and the flight was weird. Only turned out to be 7 hours and not full in the slightest. I had a row to myself and didn't sleep a wink, nor did I attempt to. I watched two movies, two tv shows, listened to most of one album, all of another, and did su doku (thank you, Charli, so thoughtful xx). I don't know what my biological clock was thinking about the time when we rolled into Newark around 1:30pm EST. I was unprepared for the 90-degree heat (30+ in C) in my jeans and jacket but I had to lug all my stuff. I went through customs/immigration then had to collect my checked bags (I didn't get a trolley because they cost money in the US cue more sweat) and had to transfer them before taking a train to another terminal, then waiting in line to have to go through TSA security for the US. (Also, we're super patriotic. The flight was all, "WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES [AMERICAN FLAG IN BACKGROUND]") I think the one of the things that saved me was the spunky old lady (you know I love old people) behind me who commented, as we were both bent over untying our shoes, "Four security checks in Europe and it's only here that I have to take off my shoes!" I agreed. Later I saw her sitting in the same waiting area and took some comfort in her proximity.
I got to my gate and finally finally got to call my mum. I could barely contain myself and she asked me if I was excited to be in the US and I promptly burst into tears and said no and was acutely embarrassed because there were people everywhere, including across from me as I struggled not to cry more. I dug helplessly in my purse but could not find my tissues so I had to use the roll of toilet paper I stuffed in my backpack. Class act. I called and called and called Obi and finally after half an hour, we connected and he made me feel more calm and like I could do it. I talked to him up until we had to board. The plane was small--one of the two-seats-on-one-side and one-on-the-other types. I got my own side and took further comfort in the English woman behind me, asked her where she was from and we got to chatting for a few minutes about England. Then two other English ladies sat across the aisle from me and I talked to them as well and it felt like a good way to ease out of England by being surrounded by English people when I was going home.
As the plane went on, I finally dozed a bit and my excitement to be close(r) to home grew. When we landed I had four new messages and my mum was totally on time. I power walked to the baggage claim and found her, walked all the way up to her before she saw me. Her face lit up and she gave me a really big hug, and, as I knew it would be, it felt like not a day had passed since I last saw her. We collected my bags and went home.
Nothing has changed. Well, little things have changed but it's still Kalamazoo and it feels like somewhere between a good and a bad thing. I had been up for nearly 24 hours by the time I got to bed last night. Slept at 10:30 and this morning I woke up before 7 and kind of gave up. Before any sadness could really push down on me, I heard Violet in her crib so I went in. She's grown SO big since I last saw her and for a few minutes she just stared at me as I talked to her in her cradle. After a bit, I took her into Ben and Ashley's room to see what her morning routine was and they just got up and we all sat around. I fed Violet oatmeal.
The best things about being home: big fridge stocked with tons of different kinds of food; new dishes; bathroom seems so much bigger than I remember; my ROOM; more clothes; LOTS of clothes; all my stuff in one place; my family; etc. The day has basically been a blur of getting in and out of the car. I thought retail therapy would help but no good bras at Kohl's, and there are no cute wallets big enough for my shit. We filled the kiddie pool for Violet though. And I drove by myself. I found I had little appetite after Panera. I was amazed that such a small amount of food filled me so completely. I took my Sainsbury's bag to Hardings and felt like a fool and bought the same brand of pesto I had in England. I am making an egg scramble tomorrow for the family. All the commotion starting to get to me as Violet did not have a second nap today and was screaming and running around and falling. Ben and Ashley have gone to South Haven and Violet went to bed shortly after so I am here to collect my thoughts. There is nothing good on all the channels I raved about missing, I ate a measly bowl of Chinese takeaway, I think I'm jetlagged but I can't be sure. I hope for the best, really.
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