Two and a half hours of sleep is not conducive to a good disposition. Stormy nights, however, are lovely. Crying isn't, at least, sad tears aren't. You can't really beat comfort, being not sweaty, including no sweaty feet, stomach, underarms. Feeling clean, being enveloped with the warm and arms and feeling slightly carefree and giggly.You can beat the slight crash afterwards or the feeling of lack of power or control.
Meredith visited this morning. Amtrak is fucked lately, so her train was an hour behind, and at 11am, I had had only a nutrigrain bar and some water so we headed straight for Crow's Nest (YUM) and I had COFFEE and another Nest scramble. And we compared notes on London and life. And stuffed ourselves. We went home and watched Simon Amstell's Do Nothing Live in Dublin. While good, I think I was over the message a little bit because I had been thinking about it: "It can just be fun, it can just be fun" and while I wanted to follow that advice I know that it doesn't apply to me. But there were some great quotes. We attempted to watch Torchwood but the dvd player wasn't having it so we ended up talking for like forty minutes before staking it out at the train station for almost an hour. Basically, I saw a man's shit get stolen right in front of him this morning. He chased the robber and later returned with his bag. Then a man was laid on a bench in the station with his head in the lap of a girl who was grooming his hair somehow and they were taken out by a police officer who apparently charged them with trespassing or something. It was being around trains and thinking about the times I went back to Ann Arbor holding back tears and not wanting to think about the now three hours it takes to get there that made me depressed. I walked back to the car, feeling the emptiness. It doesn't help that Steve is gone on a fishing trip so the house was empty.
I left for Mum/the gym and she was extremely late, stressing me out because I was going to zumba. Our regular teacher is on vaca so I grabbed a spot five minutes after class started (one of my BIGGEST pet peeves) and wondered if I was in the wrong class. I decided that I would stay only half an hour because I didn't like it, but then I got used to the teacher's style and found it pleasing. She was wearing belly dancer hip bell skirt thing and had a microphone into which she shouted the moves, moving through the class and yelling along with lyrics like freaking PITBULL. She was in her mid-40s probably. I still admired the way she could move her hips, etc. And I hoped that when I'm that age, I could keep up. So it was really fun! A lot more focused on actual sort of dance moves. I let go a little bit, just a little. Then Mum made me wait and I was just annoyed and tired so I went to the car and found it hard not to cry, though I didn't right away.
Of course as soon as Mum got in the car Obi called and as soon as he asked me how I was, I had to take a few seconds to compose my voice before cracking out "doing ok" and then promptly letting tears run down my cheeks as I told him I didn't want to talk about it yet and he talked to me. When we got home, I talked ot him in my room and I don't know what I would do without him. Like little pick me up phone calls, like, "Don't cry, girl, you strong" sort of stuff. What would I do without Rachel's endless positivity? When I reach out with love she reaches right back and I can hear her voice in a text and it's so honest. So I only let composure slip a little bit to Obi because I know what I need to do and I know what's going on and I make decisions for myself. He can listen to me. Later on, I turned to Mum and was like, "Can I have a hug?" and just started crying again, not even really knowing what was going on. I'm crying now. Jesus. I am on my period...and again, two-three hours' sleep is not happy-making. I also hate early morning engagements and unfortunately, I have to get up before 8am tomorrow for a retainer checkup. I need to take better care of myself. I don't want the past to be negated even if some of it was bad. It still happened and helps us to be who we are and there were good times, too, and those should be emphasized.
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