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   I'm feeling quite overwhelmingly sad right now. I think it's partly because I haven't worked out that much in the past week and a half and overeating has made me feel larger and sluggish. I was so so excited to be moving back to school and now I'm in a mood where I'm terrified. I got my tooth implant this morning and I didn't cry like I did before wisdom teeth removal, but I was laughing out of sheer nerves. I kept my eyes closed every time they were working and the drilling into my jaw bone wasn't even the worst part; it was probably having it screwed in cus I could hear all the clicks or feeling the tugs as I was sewn up. It was went well though, and we filled a ton of prescriptions afterward. Then I came home and watched the first Sherlock Holmes movie which was surprisingly good and then after that things kind of went downhill. I've sat on the couch all day because I can't do any strenuous activity for a day or so, and I'm just kind of wallowing in self pity.
   I feel sad all over again that what happened happened, and I try so hard to tell myself that it'll be better. I know it will be but I want it to be better now, you know? I thought today, after listening to a DS podcast, that a year really isn't a long time, so I just have to get through the next year in Ann Arbor and then I can move on to Chicago or wherever and hopefully live a fun and fulfilling life. It just fucking hurts to know that I wasn't it, even in theory. I think that's the kicker. I feel awful all over again because I brought it on myself. I feel sorry a second time over (in partly selfish ways) because I made myself untrustworthy and hurt someone I care a lot about. I beat it into myself and have to actively make myself stop thinking about it. I have to move on.
   We were watching Bachelor Pad last night and aside from the usual incredibly stupid shit that happens on a show like that, there was a lot of drama between these two people who were engaged at one point, and she broke up with him first and then they got back together and she said something like, "When we got back together, I knew I was going to love him forever." And then he broke up with her because he thought she wasn't fully in it, and then he wanted her back and she was just really confused and she said that when he broke up with her something in her broke. I was holding back tears and I had to leave the room cus it was getting to be too much. Say what you want about the pointlessness of me blogging about that, but it was heartbreaking to listen to.
   I also have been fighting with my family a lot lately. I had another freak out breakdown moment on Sunday morning in front of Mum, Ben and Violet. You know, you get through things. It's not completely resolved but I feel like I just need to move out and do my own thing. One year, Elissa, one year, and then hopefully you will have your life more together and it will be more ok than it is now...