Hello September

   So I'm all moved into my new house in Ann Arbor. For days all I could think of was getting out and getting here but there have been moments of sheer panic. At least at this point I could realize a reason: change. For ages I've known that I have a lot of trouble adjusting to new situations. Change freaks me out because I feel comfortable and more productive when I continue doing things a certain way and I know where everything is (relatively) and what's going on, etc. I've only visited Ann Arbor twice in the past year and each time it was merely social visiting really, making me feel somehow exempt from school goings on. It's weird to be here and feel like now I HAVE to belong because I'm here for a year to go to school and be a legitimate person. It's weird not living in EQ, but I guess that's for the best because I like having my own room and a kitchen and all that. I know that once classes start all will be different in a good way--I will be busy and things will naturally settle into a pace, a cycle, what have you.
   I guess one thing I've been thinking about that also makes me uncomfortable about being here is feeling like I don't fit into the stereotypical American university lifestyle. I'm not huge on drinking, as in I don't look forward to doing it every weekend, night, party, whatever. I'm an old soul and prefer staying in or at least being surrounded by people with whom I'm very close because then it's ok to let it all hang out. I don't need a guard (see 21st birthday outing post). Anyway, getting drunk or whatever is not my primary aim and I don't feel like I fit in in Ann Arbor. I like this place but it's not for me. I want to beat back to what I said about having an excuse/being exempt from school. That made it better to be in Ann Arbor because I was just doing my thing. As another example, I've been missing the ease of being in London. Yeah, I know I was depressed for the first two months, but it was ok overall because I had the excuse of being a foreigner. London was such a big city that there were many unis and they were interspersed with other people who just lived and worked in the city. So you had the club culture, where people did go clubbing quite frequently, but it wasn't shoved down your face as much because everything was so spread out. I had more of an excuse to frequent museums and just be OUT there in general, exploring by merely walking around, so I didn't NEED to fill up my days with drinking, etc. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing or just neutral that that was my excuse and I felt more comfortable with that. I am kind of in a state where all I want is to get in and get out of this year. I know I want to have some fun, but largely I'm ready to move on.
   I have good days where I think I'll be ok to get on with my life, but each morning here thus far I've woken up and some thought springs into my head and I feel instantly depressed and begin to panic before it drifts away and I'm ok again. I think it's helped that, after the initial craze and setting up of the house, I have finally been able to have some true alone time out and also some socialization with friends who also live here. Last night I went to Prague and spent some time just talking one-on-one with Michelle, who I adore. This morning I went to sign up for my creative writing tutorial in EQ and was going to visit Ellen at her work, but she left early so I just headed to a Starbucks, ordered a venti iced chai, and sat talking to my mum for a bit, then reading the Gargoyle and the Michigan Daily. Ellen was still out so I then moved on to a podcast and some sudoku. I was totally in my zone, free to be just in my head in a good way and it was just really relaxing. Ellen was then home so I stopped by to see her new apartment and we sat chatting for about half an hour before I came home. I've been largely organizing more things in my room and for my life. It all feels ok.