No Subject?

   I'm feeling quite overwhelmingly sad right now. I think it's partly because I haven't worked out that much in the past week and a half and overeating has made me feel larger and sluggish. I was so so excited to be moving back to school and now I'm in a mood where I'm terrified. I got my tooth implant this morning and I didn't cry like I did before wisdom teeth removal, but I was laughing out of sheer nerves. I kept my eyes closed every time they were working and the drilling into my jaw bone wasn't even the worst part; it was probably having it screwed in cus I could hear all the clicks or feeling the tugs as I was sewn up. It was went well though, and we filled a ton of prescriptions afterward. Then I came home and watched the first Sherlock Holmes movie which was surprisingly good and then after that things kind of went downhill. I've sat on the couch all day because I can't do any strenuous activity for a day or so, and I'm just kind of wallowing in self pity.
   I feel sad all over again that what happened happened, and I try so hard to tell myself that it'll be better. I know it will be but I want it to be better now, you know? I thought today, after listening to a DS podcast, that a year really isn't a long time, so I just have to get through the next year in Ann Arbor and then I can move on to Chicago or wherever and hopefully live a fun and fulfilling life. It just fucking hurts to know that I wasn't it, even in theory. I think that's the kicker. I feel awful all over again because I brought it on myself. I feel sorry a second time over (in partly selfish ways) because I made myself untrustworthy and hurt someone I care a lot about. I beat it into myself and have to actively make myself stop thinking about it. I have to move on.
   We were watching Bachelor Pad last night and aside from the usual incredibly stupid shit that happens on a show like that, there was a lot of drama between these two people who were engaged at one point, and she broke up with him first and then they got back together and she said something like, "When we got back together, I knew I was going to love him forever." And then he broke up with her because he thought she wasn't fully in it, and then he wanted her back and she was just really confused and she said that when he broke up with her something in her broke. I was holding back tears and I had to leave the room cus it was getting to be too much. Say what you want about the pointlessness of me blogging about that, but it was heartbreaking to listen to.
   I also have been fighting with my family a lot lately. I had another freak out breakdown moment on Sunday morning in front of Mum, Ben and Violet. You know, you get through things. It's not completely resolved but I feel like I just need to move out and do my own thing. One year, Elissa, one year, and then hopefully you will have your life more together and it will be more ok than it is now...

"Girl, this is the anthem of our GENERATION!" (My 21st Birthday--Friend Celebration)

   ALL GEARED UP. Cue the uplifting song lyrics and entire albums dedicated to past relationships.
  

   Friend celebration began with my mother DDing and picking up three of my friends before we hit up Monaco Bay. I was wished happy belated birthday by the doormen and didn't have to pay cover. Ian bought me my first drink--a raspberry martini and we kind of collected the troops and talked and stuff while waiting for Chris to arrive. It was pretty chill and fun as we all loosened up. I looked fucking fantastic (about time that I had the self-esteem to really be able to say that about myself)--wearing a dress that Aunt Viv got me for my birthday last year and a belt that Omi gave me. After Chris came, we attempted to find Skydeck but only found the outside District bar, which was kind of dead. We found a map then took the elevator up to Skydeck, which was really beautiful with minimal decor. Drinks were really pared down and weird (who doesn't have Mojitos?!), and they were served in plastic cups, obviously to avoid having glass thrown off the roof. We stayed there until I was good and tipsy and Carman was texting me saying to come down outside Monaco Bay.
   It was close to 11 at that point so Ellen was out of dance so we left for good and met Carm outside. He was attempting to look as if he were streaking but I was just like, "Why are you poking your stomach into me while we hug?!" It was really sweet of him to come out at all to wish me happy birthday so we stood talking amongst ourselves while I directed Ellen downtown and Amy was on her way as well. Kyle, Anna, and I rode with Ellen to Metro. Amy bought me another mixed drink and we all regrouped and talked around a table until there was actually a good song and I pounced on that shit with Ellen and soon others followed.
   The music was so much better than last weekend and actually danceable!! There were three really good songs in a row. "Bulletproof", which I now take to be one of my getting-over-it anthems. Time to be rock solid. Then "Rolling in the Deep". While I was getting ready, I had heard John Legend doing a cover of it which made me pay more attention to the lyrics and it's fitting. It just felt good.
   The next few hours were spent cooling down around the table with some water and then when a good song came on, spastically running for the dance floor with Ellen in tow. Iiiiiii...got kind of ho-ish at times. On Obi, down to the floor, etc., but it was all in good fun. Dancing is good for the soul, my soul, hurt souls. I had so much fucking fun just letting loose and being crazy and enjoying the songs I love and having my friends around to share that with. Obi insisted next on buying me a shot, so I came back from dancing to a Girl Scout (think thing mints and alcohol). Downed that shit and more dancing. Right at the end, they insisted I have one more drink so I came back from dancing to another mixed drink and downed that pretty fast. By that point I was feeling it a bit more cus it soaked in pretty quickly. I was just leaned against Obi, wanting sleep a bit, and he was like, "Your dancing is so cute! It's just cute! You got the standard white girl jumping down but you're starting to use that booty!" Lmfao. Everyone then insisted on going to IHOP. We only left ten minutes before Metro closed.
   By that time it was 2am and only Amy (DD), me, Obi, Devin and Ian and we made our way down Westnedge to IHOP and all I knew was I needed some water and something salty. Ian was hilarious and Obi cried into his blueberry pancakes (they were hard to finish). I DEVOURED a Colorado omelette, which had at least four kinds of meat in it, cheese, peppers, onions. And then I ate one or two pancakes. SO GOOD. My first time drunk eating. We left IHOP around 3 and by the time everyone was dropped off and I was the last one, I got in the door at like quarter to four. Obi had told me to drink another glass of water before bed but I didn't want to have to pee that night. All I wanted was sleep. I took a shower and crawled desperately into bed and knocked out for about three hours. Woke up with my head at a low pounding level, so I got up and had some ibuprofen and some water to alleviate the pain of fully waking up later.
   Felt only a little rough this morning when I woke up at nearly noon. Pretty chill afternoon. Ben came with Violet, Aunt Marilou and Tony came. Some family annoyances but we went to OCB (lolz) for dinner, stuffed self, and went to Tiffany's with Ben to buy some Magners. Highly appropriate to then come home and watch Doctor Who for three hours. Nearly like I was in England again. Oh, was v. sweet when Tony left, he was like, "Tell -- see you later. He lost out." I had to try really hard not to cry. Family always comes through in the end.
   From a kind of badly memorable actual birthday day to probably one of the best, if not the best, birthdays I've ever had. I am so grateful for amazing friends. I'm ready to say peace easy to my hometown in favor of putting to work all the lessons I learned living on my own already, can't wait to drink English tea in my room while holed up watching telly on the computer. Making my world around me. Let's get this.

My 21st Birthday (The Actual Day, The 24 Hours)

   So as my 21st birthday comes to a close I can't help but think about all the shit that has gone down. My mum would say not to post this online because she hates when I say personal things like that I've even had a bad day, but whatever. I need to reflect. I will skirt over some things because they are indeed too personal to put here.
   I was given gifts at midnight and then driven to Meijer to make my first purchase. It was pouring and extremely difficult to see the road. I bought tequila and was wished happy birthday by the girl who checked my ID. I then set off the security alarm because she forgot to take off the cap thing. I went home to enjoy a margarita.
    Essentially my heart was broken in the early hours of my birthday. It is what it is and nothing can change it. I went to bed at 5am praying for sleep that hadn't come in the previous hours (something I had hoped would deliver me from impending doom), and I slept, woken up by a sweet text around 8am from my cousin Tony and came fully awake at 10am, deciding if I slept more I would be more sad that I already was. I spent some time crying, wondering how the animals perceived my sobs, as one of the cats stopped napping to look at me in that only slightly startled way that cats have. I think Lily grew used to it. Chelsey called me and I talked to her until I had to get dressed and ready to leave.
   Aunt Viv and Kyle were RIGHT on time picking me up at half twelve and I told them of the badness but quickly covered it up with the funny recounting of my alcohol purchase at 1am in my boxers. We headed to Panera, where Kyle brought over water and food and I was happy and distracted, laughing with family I hadn't seen in at least a month. We then ran some errands at Harding's and Kohl's, where I was made to hold my urine while I gave my opinion. Kyle and I sought childhood revenge by paging AV on the PA system. (She came right away). Finally we checked out and went to M-89 cinemas to see The Help with Aunt Viv's friend from work. I got a frozen mocha. We were late. The movie had already started when we walked in.
   After the movie I was so cold that Kyle and I basked in the humidity outside while we all kind of chatted and I wondered if I was ready to go home. They invited me for dinner, Kyle insisted I come. I gave Mum the heads up and we just ran to Walgreen's and to check on Kyle's car before heading to their house.
   By that point I was yawning a lot; the lack of sleep had caught up to me. I tried to help around the kitchen but I ended up calling my brother and talking to him for a few minutes before taking out some emotion by pounding the pork cutlets....several of them. Ellen rang me in the middle, so with one hand covered in drying meat fat, I again went to the porch and spoke to her and I just can't express how grateful I am for her friendship. How a simple offer can mean so much to me. It was good.
   I came back in to wash my hands and then just basically sat at the table while chaos happened around me (the family) until we were ready to eat. It's always crazy to have casual dinners at my aunt's house but I fully appreciate that crazy. After dinner, Kyle drove me home and we talked a lot about relationships and it was meaningful to me. Steve was waiting up for me when I got home. He had bought me a tiny chocolate cake so Mum and he gave me a card, lit the candle and I made a wish, a half-hearted wish. Steve went to bed and I told Mum my woes, surprisingly keeping my composure. She took me to Applebees where I got a Raspberry martini thing and was carded but wished happy birthday by the waitress. We just chatted and enjoyed the time together watching the DJ play better music than metro, watching a man checking everyone else out, decided that this guy at the bar was gay with the man beside him and that he looked like a redheaded David Cook.
   I came home to chat to some people and start the crying again, then finally got to talk to my best friend. He listened to me cry and what I had to say and made me feel better by just being the amazing person that he is. We made each other laugh, he used a simile about Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, he told me crazy storeis about his family. An hour and ten minutes later, with lots of our bases covered, and me feeling loads better about everything, we hung up. I took a shower and now I'm sitting in my room. My birthday was done eight minutes ago.


I am so thankful for the relationships in my life that bring me joy. Thank you for listening to me; thank you, best friend; thank you cousins. What Obi said about someone else is going to be true for me: I'm coming back hard.

That Empty Ache

   So, the last few weeks of the summer have not been short of minor drama blips that indicate bigger problems. I've had some disagreements with friends in which I've really tried to exhibit my decision to turn over a new leaf, meaning approaching these conflicts having thought through what I'm going to say, not just resorting to anger, basically being an adult. Has it worked? I don't know. I guess I feel a bit proud of myself for consciously making these steps but it's kind of left me feeling...sad or upset don't quite fit the bill. It's just that, in my opinion, if someone hurts one of their friends, even unintentionally, and they can come around to at least understanding where said friend is coming from even if they still don't see eye to eye, the offender should apologize. After all, they've hurt their friend's feelings. But alas, that isn't the case. And that sort of irks me. I mean, that's really all I can say. How hard is it to just say "I'm sorry"? Too hard, apparently.
   Events as of late in my life have made it hard for me to trust people. I always feel better knowing I have at least one solid friend whom I can go to should I need to in a dire situation. It's difficult because sometimes I feel like I can only tell certain people certain things, and some people I feel like I've lost the ability to be honest with almost completely. And I'm talking about people who I've considered my good friends. Even things coming from the most innocent of places can be misconstrued in a bad way, and I find it sad to know that some people don't exactly have my back.

   Bear with me being a little bit down on my life. I want to blame it on coming back home. No place is a complete fix, unfortunately. I want to just fast forward two years and have everything just a little more together. Anyway. I've been babysitting the past three days and that's been kind of a fun distraction. Today I taught Sean that if you salted a slug, it essentially melts and dies. Felt horrible but as his mum says, he's ten and thinks all that stuff is really interesting. Discovered I still got the basic volleyball skills, same shitty basketball skills, am a "city girl" cus bugs creep me out, and got made fun of for calling everything adorable. I was only there for two hours today and the rest of the day was kind of a rollercoaster. I didn't feel well for a lot of the day and then had the added anxiety of having only two weeks in which to schedule my tooth implant procedure. The first available date was on my birthday and there was no way in hell I was messing with that, so I'm getting the implant in on the 30th. It got more complicated because they need to do a post-op check-up about a week after, but I will be moving three days after the procedure! So, ended up having to schedule it for two weeks after, on a Tuesday (he's only available Tues, Wed, and Thurs), late afternoon. Going to have to skip maybe half an hour of class for Mum to come to A2 to pick me up, get home, appointment, then take 9:30 train back to Ann Arbor that night. Kind of messy.
   But the day had an almost immediate turn for the better as my King's housing deposit was finally processed and I am rich! Haha. I have to give Mum some money and then I have other ideas on how to spend it but other than that, it just made me relieved in general. Then I finished Community and organized a lot of shit in my room and made curry. I am tired from getting up early this morning and have to get up early tomorrow morning as well. I am not feeling particularly optimistic at this point in time, so I'm not going to talk everything up. Life goes on as it always does, dragging me with it whether I like it or not and eventually (I guess talking it up a bit) I will feel better. It's only inevitable.

Ann Arbs 2 (Quality Timesauce)

   Friday night I spent some time with Meredith, watching Torchwood, sitting the dark. Then Ellen and I ended up walking to 710 to see what was up and only stayed there about 20 minutes before they went to a movie and Ellen and I stayed up late late talking into the night.
   Saturday was really quality time day. Ellen went to work early so I met Claire and we walked around the farmer's market ogling the produce. We sat in Cafe Verde with some coffee and I picked her brain about co-op living roles and then we basically hashed life out again. It was really nice, especially because I feel that I connect better with people one on one. I was in the bathroom about to leave when Michelle rang me and told me she'd just come pick me up at the co-op. So I was waiting outside for her texting inappropro jokes to Meredith when I get this tap on the shoulder and it was Meredith! She stood chatting with me until Michelle drove by screaming ZIMZIM out the window. I ran to meet her and we stopped at Ellen's for me to feel like I would forget something and lo and behold, somehow left the bottoms to my swimsuit there. Got to Michelle's and chatted with her parents then we spent time trading off vacuuming the pool. Michelle made me a fab sandwich and I wore an extra swimsuit to pool it up. I swam while Michelle floated around on a thingy. More hashing out of life and loving each other a lot. It was super nice. We got out in order to pee and got some wine and of course when I was dragging the floaty back to its home, I knocked the empty wine glasses into the pool. Michelle saved one and I dived for the other but couldn't find it, so she had to get her hair wet and found it broken with only half the chip...sooo there's glass in her pool. I was way mellow due to sun, swimming and wine at that point.
   She drove me back to Ellen's, where I showered and then cried over chopping an onion. Neale and Chris showed up for awkward family dinner, then You-Sun, and I was loopy and basically made too many inappropriate jokes and laughed til I cried and squeaked. A lethargy fell over the guests, mostly Neale and You-Sun, after dinner (and BROWNIE GOO), and they literally fell asleep in the living room as I awkwardly flitted about. Everyone took off kind of early, leaving Ellen and I to again sit and talk about life. I'm really not complaining at all because it was a really nice dynamic, and it basically became how I am at home, which was somehow comforting, Ellen reading me funny passages from her book, me doing sudoku.
   On Sunday I went to Meredith's for scrambled eggs and a really good episode of Big Bang Theory, interspersed with yelling, laughing and lovely blueberry tea. And fun talk! I headed to Starbucks next for the handing over the of the RC Review binder and some insight from Jackie and Meg and general freakout that it's at my fingertips and I can do what I wish with it! I went home and ate lunch with Ellen and Anna came home. Anna later accompanied me out to coffee with Al. Rather, he bought Starbucks again and then I suggested we take a walk.
   He took us to his office on Main St, like legit up into it, unlocking doors, which I felt kind of privileged about. Then we walked down Fourth, where we ran into Landon and his dad and where Al gave me an elephant. Nice surprise. We then continued down to see the outside of my house, Mock Trial house where the boys are living next year, and then circled back around to the diag, where we sat talking until Ellen and her friend joined us. Al had to continue moving house and the rest of us stood talking until we headed back to the apartment. I was exhausted by that point, all the walking around and had had a sore throat since Saturday night. Basically the rest of the day was spent making fun of Anna writing the longest e-mail in the world, general chatter, eating chocolate, etc. Then it was gonna be an early night, with me sleeping on the futon. Computer froze while I was facebook stalking, but I didn't let that deter me and went to bed having trouble sleeping.
   I ended up sleeping til ten though, so it was good. We all spent time together at the table, then Ellen got coffee with me before I met Chris to see the house, which was cool! I think I know which room I want and it's pretty decent considering other student housing I've seen. He came back to Starbucks with me to collect Ellen and we hung about there for awhile before going back to the apartment. Once Chris left, I decided I was hungry so Ellen and I waited for Anna before going to Jerusalem Garden for lunner. Foodgasm. Then cupcakegasm. Then felt the need to walk it off, so Michelle brought me my iPod, which I had left at her house, and I walked to 710 with her to say goodbye to people and then went back. I was basically just chilling on facebook with Anna before the train. She walked me all the way to the station and it ended up being an hour late, but she stayed with me the whole time. I didn't get into Kalamazoo until 11, my cold having worsened on the way home making me miserable. Oh, and a screaming child behind me. We sat in Battle Creek for like ten minutes and I nearly had a tantrum. Came home, showered, unpacked, and pretty much just went to bed.
   Today I babysat next door and discovered that teenagers are a bit hard to deal with, but that when they're my age, I think they might understand more. Also learned that kids can make fun of me saying everything is adorable. Ah well, it went ok. Hung out at home in my semi-cold-misery with T and need to go to bed early cus am babysitting again tomorrow. To do zumba or not to do zumba...? I think I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Ann Arbs 1

   So yesterday I made my journey to Ann Arbor for the first time in 11 months. Last time I was here was about a week before I left for London. The train has been undergoing some major delays and it didn't arrive in Ann Arbor until an hour and forty-five minutes after it was scheduled. I sweated my way up the hill feeling a bit out of place, noting the things that have changed since the last time I was here. I got to Ellen's place and met her and just kind of plopped for about an hour, chatting. Then I walked with Ellen most of the way to her class and sat in the diag reading SEX AT DAWN, which I got from the library that morning. Texting Rachel, who was making a stop in Ann Arbor to see me as she came back from the Planned Parenthood Conference in Lansing.
   I swear, it was like a romantic movie. Spotted Rachel and as soon as we made eye contact she broke into a run and I dropped my book and met her and we hugged a long time and it was beautiful and wondrous and magical. We sat in the diag just happy to be together, and we commented that it didn't seem like it had been so long at all. Talked about my crying and Rachel was like, "You're just living so hard!" Makes me love her all the more. So we wandered up State St in search of food and ended up eating at this Egyptian/Middle Eastern restaurant that apparently just opened the day before. FALAFEL. And Rachel love. And me just feeling fatigued as shit. I then texted Chris, who met us at Amer's and we just giggled and had a good time and I felt like there was no way I was going to make it without crashing before 10pm. We went back to the diag to sit cus we had been under an air vent which was freeeeezing. Rachel and I went to Open Floor early early, mostly because I was super excited about seeing everyone. Claire was on the porch with some people and sat inside with us.
   Went in and there was none other than Michelle Weiss arranging microphones. Epic London love. Dear god. Looking phenom. And saw Sara and Jessica and You-Sun and it was just happy. So basically sat around while they practiced and then Rachel had to go so I kind of wandered about talking to people and then people were showing up so they decided to start.
   What a coming and going of people, random breaks between "sets", lights going off and on to promote socialization. So much gossip and drama catch up. So much interbreeding drama. No one is without a clean slate. Chris shoving a glass of wine into my hands, Michelle claiming I wasn't drunk enough and making me take sips of hers. Some really good music acts!! I texted Neale who called me and said he was getting Wendy's and would be right over, and when he came in he kind of poked his head around the door and I flipped a shit and jumped at him to give him the biggest hug ever. It was the best. Just sat kiddy corner to him while he stuffed his mouth with a quad burger and kept accidentally dragging my finger through his free cupcake.
   I later met his girlfriend Laura, who is really nice, and I was taken aback because she was like, "Oh yeah, I met your parents." I forgot they had gone to Theo's recital and met them there. It was probably about midnight before it really occurred to people that I hadn't read yet. So I was pressured up there and was so nervous my legs were literally shaking and I swear, I was like, just calm enough that they didn't buckle. Got some whoops and was making to leave shortly after that when they were like, "Thought you were reading two pieces!!" So I went back up and read the more explicit one and it was good. Michelle was drunk and just kept screaming. At one point this guy had gone up and plucked a song on his viola and he was like, "You may know this song." It ended up being "Because I Got High" and Michelle was in the hallway and all of a sudden burst in the room yelling out the words. Hilarious.
   Ellen and I left about 12:30 and I took the most glorious shower. Then I stayed up til 2 online and slept in Anna's wonderful bed until nearly 11 this morning. That meant grocery shopping was off the table so I left with Anna and Martha on my way to my job interview, which I got by the way. 10 hours/week at ILL. Michelle took her break and we got lunch at Pancheros, where the guy spoke at me in Spanish and I did my best to hold my own. Mmmmm burrito. We headed to a table outside the Ugli and talked until she had to go back to work. Love her. I came back to Ellen's and talked to her and Martha for over an hour. Was really good. Ellen and I have just come back from grocery shopping and I've spent too much money. Nearly all my money :( But I think we might be set, just have a few coffee dates yet. Oh, another thought that I wanted to address is that when Ellen and I were walking home last night we were talking about Ann Arbor and belonging and stuff and I just think that I don't REALLY feel it here, and while it's nice and everything, I am ready to leave. I think next year could be fun and doable, but then I'm peacing out.

Vague Sense of Shambles

 I didn't cry today (cheeky). Maybe it's because I get texts like: "Mami you be lookin all good n stuff. What is your secret? Lol" Maybe it's because Obi and Devin came over and we put temporary tattoos on. Obi's was a really trife looking dragon outlined in gold that looked BEAUTIFUL against his dark chocolate skin. And he's a flatterer. Maybe it's because I read a lot and finished Lover Unleashed and am again excited about books. Maybe it's because I'm excited about Ann Arbor. Maybe it's because I get to see Violet tomorrow.

   Sometimes I wish my life were a movie. Then this rut would just be the low point of ultimate dramatic tension that would lead to everything working out. But I'm too young for it to be perfect just now, and I wouldn't want it to be because the journey to get to that point will make life that much sweeter and everyone that much stronger. I've been listening to Savage Lovecasts a lot more recently and remembering more advice and outlooks on life, and while I don't agree with everything, it still makes me think and kind of consider what I believe for myself. And the things I do agree with are the things for which I want to have hope.

24 hours OR Rapid Turn Around in a Week

   Another night with not much sleep promised. Another crisis averted, sir. A clove cigarette shared between friends, an agreement reached. Too bad<->too late, but timing is important. Regrets mellowed, happiness piqued in a moment.

   I went next door to drop off the check for mowing the lawn. Found Kelly and Damon in their garage on camper chairs. The power was out in our neighborhood, so, according to Kelly, they were being "hillbillies" and sitting in their garage cus it was cool. Damon was on the phone but told them to hold while he chatted a bit and Kelly was just messing about on her iPhone, telling me the kids were inside. It wasn't until I walked away and had it sink in that there was just this ease about them. Their chairs faced each other, her feet rested near his chair. I could tell that they were friends, hanging out, joy and comfort in each others' company. That's what I want.

I can hope.

Ratata!

   Yesterday was a weird day. I was out all morning. Orthodontist says I don't need braces again and to stop chewing gum so much, get an implant. Killed forty minutes at Barnes and Noble, mostly in the Sexuality section looking for Sex at Dawn. All the books there are bright pink and are like SEX and ORGASM...a little intense for like 9:30AM. But then I found the book staring me in the face and I wanted to get it so badly but it was still gonna be like $14 with discount, so I decided to wait until birthday or to see if I could get it cheaper through Kazoo Books. Eventually met Ben at Panera and we went to Target and I tried to help him get job clothes which was a little demanding. Then on my way home, I was literally just around the corner from my house, this guy pulled out in front of me on Drake. He had hesitated then just WENT and I had to brake really hard but still hit him. He raised his hand at me like it was my fault and then drove off. It was more than a bumper tap but I didn't think there was damage so I was just shocked and drove home, shaking and trying not to cry. Came in the house, deposited Mum's souffle with her and just started crying. Nothing was wrong with the car but I was just in shock at how dickish the guy was. I was telling myself that driving isn't just bumper cars but I was totally not at fault. Sucked.
   The AT&T guy came and gave us a new internet box which new wireless network and passkey. Took me several attempts to connect and I could only do so when computer was just right next to box. It kicked me off if I left the room. Half an hour with tech support on the phone, basically the guy said he was trying to strengthen our signal but all he did was tell me how to connect to the network, which I knew how to do and sometimes the thing wasn't even recognizing our network at all. So we had to request a tech guy to come out again, which isn't happening until tomorrow. I can access the internet if I'm in the office with the box, as I am now, but it's still kind of slow. Just overall frustrating.
   Today was kind of super lazy. Laid around all morning, pretty much most of afternoon. Brandon called though and we caught up and are supposed to meet up soon. I read a lot of Lover Unleashed though I've decided I like Karen Moning more. I worked out by myself and felt rushed but it felt good to come home and shower. We went to Target and walked around for at least an hour and I got Mum a birthday card. Exhausted, we fell to the couch to watch Sex and the City, me raging at Carrie's stupidity, the way guys can be great sometimes, dicks the next. Left that room happy and just watched a TON of Psych montages on youtube that still make me laugh out loud. I feel happy still. Shit is together. Gotta figure out what the birthday plans are for the weekend and hopefully buying tickets to Ann Arbor tomorrow. Please, please KCL give me my security deposit!! xx

holy mood swings, batman!

 I want to blame my father for basically opting out of my life. I know that that's not completely fair or whatever, but it has messed things up for me. Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time.
   Two and a half hours of sleep is not conducive to a good disposition. Stormy nights, however, are lovely. Crying isn't, at least, sad tears aren't. You can't really beat comfort, being not sweaty, including no sweaty feet, stomach, underarms. Feeling clean, being enveloped with the warm and arms and feeling slightly carefree and giggly.You can beat the slight crash afterwards or the feeling of lack of power or control.
   Meredith visited this morning. Amtrak is fucked lately, so her train was an hour behind, and at 11am, I had had only a nutrigrain bar and some water so we headed straight for Crow's Nest (YUM) and I had COFFEE and another Nest scramble. And we compared notes on London and life. And stuffed ourselves. We went home and watched Simon Amstell's Do Nothing Live in Dublin. While good, I think I was over the message a little bit because I had been thinking about it: "It can just be fun, it can just be fun" and while I wanted to follow that advice I know that it doesn't apply to me. But there were some great quotes. We attempted to watch Torchwood but the dvd player wasn't having it so we ended up talking for like forty minutes before staking it out at the train station for almost an hour. Basically, I saw a man's shit get stolen right in front of him this morning. He chased the robber and later returned with his bag. Then a man was laid on a bench in the station with his head in the lap of a girl who was grooming his hair somehow and they were taken out by a police officer who apparently charged them with trespassing or something. It was being around trains and thinking about the times I went back to Ann Arbor holding back tears and not wanting to think about the now three hours it takes to get there that made me depressed. I walked back to the car, feeling the emptiness. It doesn't help that Steve is gone on a fishing trip so the house was empty.
   I left for Mum/the gym and she was extremely late, stressing me out because I was going to zumba. Our regular teacher is on vaca so I grabbed a spot five minutes after class started (one of my BIGGEST pet peeves) and wondered if I was in the wrong class. I decided that I would stay only half an hour because I didn't like it, but then I got used to the teacher's style and found it pleasing. She was wearing belly dancer hip bell skirt thing and had a microphone into which she shouted the moves, moving through the class and yelling along with lyrics like freaking PITBULL. She was in her mid-40s probably. I still admired the way she could move her hips, etc. And I hoped that when I'm that age, I could keep up. So it was really fun! A lot more focused on actual sort of dance moves. I let go a little bit, just a little. Then Mum made me wait and I was just annoyed and tired so I went to the car and found it hard not to cry, though I didn't right away.
   Of course as soon as Mum got in the car Obi called and as soon as he asked me how I was, I had to take a few seconds to compose my voice before cracking out "doing ok" and then promptly letting tears run down my cheeks as I told him I didn't want to talk about it yet and he talked to me. When we got home, I talked ot him in my room and I don't know what I would do without him. Like little pick me up phone calls, like, "Don't cry, girl, you strong" sort of stuff. What would I do without Rachel's endless positivity? When I reach out with love she reaches right back and I can hear her voice in a text and it's so honest. So I only let composure slip a little bit to Obi because I know what I need to do and I know what's going on and I make decisions for myself. He can listen to me. Later on, I turned to Mum and was like, "Can I have a hug?" and just started crying again, not even really knowing what was going on. I'm crying now. Jesus. I am on my period...and again, two-three hours' sleep is not happy-making. I also hate early morning engagements and unfortunately, I have to get up before 8am tomorrow for a retainer checkup. I need to take better care of myself. I don't want the past to be negated even if some of it was bad. It still happened and helps us to be who we are and there were good times, too, and those should be emphasized.

oh super duper every day blogger!

Oh joy! Oh the excitement of writing (when inspired)! I may not have done much today or the last few, but I rattled off a quick erotic paragraph that had been swimming around my head and scribbled a like two-three sentence idea that hit me before I went to bed the last few nights. That last one came out shit when I actually went to write it but I might work on it if I feel emo enough or just more inspired to make it sound as pretty and resounding as it does in my head. But the first one was good first time around, as usual came easily because I let it simmer until I knew pretty much exactly what I wanted to say. Ah, it just feels so good to have something and to get it out. I almost wrote "get it all out" but it's never really ALL out for me, is it?
Re: other writing things, I am making goals for myself to do daily to get these things done. Kind of reminds me of essay writing times which is slightly unpleasant but there's really nothing like a deadline and a plan to get me going.
Again, I am relatively content.

Did I imagine it would be like this?

Lesson #1: No matter who you're dealing with, never be too eager to share implements of yourself. It cheapens the things that are important to you.

   I had the sandhill climbing dream again yesterday. It had been awhile and it always has the same people in it. Basically there is this giant WALL of sand and it's very tall and people climb it for fun. It gets very steep and I have a fear of heights that plays upon me in the dream because literally I'm just climbing it with my limbs and am not held up by anything. I was thinking about this a bit ago and I realized I could take from it a metaphor for my life--cus basically it gets terrifying and I slipped a lot in the dream but dug in with my hands down to my fingernails, feeling them getting filled with sand. Life is fucking hard, and I slip down that slope sometimes but I just gotta dig in like a motherfucker, claw my way into staying on that slope. Cus in the dream, I made it to the top, and it was a small ledge and I could only blurrily look down it was so steep, but I had a great feeling of accomplishment for making it that far. Just some thoughts.

And basically, I'm going to be good no matter what happens. I will be happy because I deserve to be. To use Cazwell's words I can't be and I won't be stopped. I will do what I gotta do because I'm strong and an amazing person. I will make it through whatever obstacles present themselves. I have the tools already. I can do it.