I'm really going through one of those phases where I feel I'm losing my mind. Too much stuff happening in my head. I feel overwhelmed and can't sleep. I keep finding things I want to scribble in my journal cus I think they sound smart or that they resound with me in the moment. I want to show off. Last night I woke up before 4AM with intense daydream type things happening in my head and couldn't fall back asleep. And I keep waking up and keeping my eyes closed hoping it's not too early and am still disappointed when I find it's noon or just past ten or whatever. I narrowed down who I would go to for advice but I can pretty much guess what everyone is going to tell me and I will probably go against it anyway because I'm stupid. I think I know what I'm doing but I lie to myself and say that I don't. I flip flop quite passionately. I wasn't ready. Routine right now feels constricting. I want out--new scenery, for a short time. I really need to cry. Three nights ago, Obi danced for me and made me laugh til I cried, which I have to say is the best way to get it out if you need to get it out.
I guess we turned off the tv long enough to make it to Marshall's and bought three mugs. Shopping for certain items is really like therapy sometimes. Holding them in our hands, imagining it's cold enough outside to have a comforting cup of tea. God, I want to live in the world of Miranda, where basically if there's down time, cup of tea. If you're a bit chilled, cup of tea. If you want something to hold in your hands for comfort, cup of tea. It is the ultimate symbol of calm, even if it's not poncy herbal shit and is just Sainsbury's black tea with real sugar and a dash of milk. (I told someone watching Miranda is like curling up with a blanket on a chilly day, holding a cup of tea of course, as Stevie frequently is sipping a rather lovely cup.) I swear, between Mum and I, we could cycle through mug moods every year or so.
I started one of the essays for a writing contest this afternoon. I finally had a tiny idea so I just did word vomit on the page to start and get something down. The only drawback was that the idea I had was kind of painful to write on and I had that lump in my throat that announced my need to cry and it was too bothersome to deal with so I had to quit writing and start watching videos that would instead make me feel better. Cue watching like fifteen minutes of David Mitchell's freak outs on various quiz shows. Ha.
Ok, E, you got this, really. You baked muffins this morning, have grilled twice this week (rather amazing things! though I lost lots of chicken to the grill and shrimp to the floor :P). Sorry, I can't keep pep talking myself in blog form necessarily...it gets a bit cheesy. Ok, a good cry, someone else's love story, and a grand reunion are all in the immediate future. Things will look up and clear up and I will continue on because I am strong. I told myself that earlier without feeling cheesy. I have come a long way.
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